The 2012 Philadelphia Phillies: A Most Likely Overly Optimistic Preview

Chase Utley’s career trajectory is plummeting faster than Rick Santorum’s chances to snag the Republican nomination!

Ryan Howard’s ACL surgery was apparently performed by Jared from Subway, who did the stitching with one hand while downing a Chicken Teriyaki with the other.

With the lineup reeling from a lack of pop, Ruben Amaro went out and spent $50 million on…a closer with an affinity for late-game chicken and beer.

The opening-day five-hole hitter is Ty Wigginton, some guy who I believe was recruited from a South Jersey slow-pitch softball league.

And for some ungodly reason, David Herndon and Kyle Kendrick are still on this team!

Yes, all is ominous in the skies above Citizens Bank Park. It’s enough to make you think that the Phillies may be in for a major plummet from the National League division cat bird’s seat that they have held for five straight years all the way down to fourth behind the big-spending Miami Marlins, the always-pesky Atlanta Braves, and the fast-emerging Washington Nationals. Well, feel free to jump ship if you like, but I have the Phillies winning 94 games and putting the division on lock for another year.

And why is that?

Roy Halladay.

Cliff Lee.

Cole Hamels.

Vance Worley (this one could make me look like a moron, but, screw it, I like the guy).

Do you think the Phillies did not see this coming? Do you think they didn’t see Placido Polanco breaking down like that ’92 station wagon you just kept driving because the seats were so comfortable? Hell, even if Ryan Howard was healthy, his production has been sliding for years. Just like Chase Utley may never be able to round second again without risking leg destruction on par with that of the ill-fated Barbaro, Howard will never return to the colossus who cranked 58 homers without breaking a sweat.

This is why you go get a Roy Halladay. You could put the Phillies ace on the mound and surround him by the Pittsburgh Pirates’ single-A squad. He is going to get his 19 wins out of sheer determination and will.

As for Cliff Lee, this is why you don’t run your team by listening to the idiots calling Philadelphia’s talk radio stations. If one were to judge by listening to Wally from Wilkes-Barre or whatever, the Phillies should have tossed Lee to the highest bidder this off-season. “Got two or three guys who are willing to carry the veterans’ donuts in Clearwater this spring training? We’ll give you one of the best lefthanders in the game for them.” Sorry, but you don’t dump a guy for having one lackluster outing – no matter how high-profile – unless you are prepared to end up looking like an idiot when he is throwing 30+ shutout innings for someone else while you have Joe Blanton struggling to hold down his spot in the rotation. (Note: Don’t get me wrong. I was – and still am – pissed at Lee for blowing that lead against the Cardinals. Getting raked by Ryan Theriot and Skip Schumaker? You have to be kidding me! This is a huge year for him and he better represent, especially in the playoffs.)

Then, there is Cole Hamels. Is there any doubt that Cole is going for 20 wins this year? Matt Freaking Cain just got 20 mills over five years from the San Francisco Giants. If Cole can put up two dimes in a walk year, he will be in the market for a summer home in Dubai. Plus, he will finally be able to afford that much-needed voice transplant surgery. Give him a voice like Brittney Griner's and you will have a man more feared then Stalin at this enemy-assassinating peak.

The major question is Worley. Was last year a fluke? Will opposing batters no longer be transfixed by his Mohawk-and-goggle routine, thus allowing them to concentrate on whaling his upper-80s fastball into the stratosphere? Will he suffer from the fact that he is no longer going up against the other team’s fifth starter every outing? Oh wait, he was usually going up against the fourth starter last year since Roy Oswalt spent most of the season clearing brush below the Mason-Dixon Line. Anyway, as I have said, I am a fan of Worley’s. I like his moxie. I like his competitiveness. I like the way he storms off the mound after a big strikeout. I like the way his curveball drops off the table when it is really on. I like the way he is always talking to the one fellow of Asian descent in the dugout (I don’t know who he is; a trainer or something?). And most importantly, I like the way he “hides the ball.” Actually, I have no idea what “hides the ball” means. But I am going to put him down for 16 wins anyway.

Is this year’s offense going to be a feared juggernaut? Clearly not. This being said, I do not believe they are without strengths and I fully believe that they will – while frustrating us often with their inability to get two or three guys to cross the plate – squeeze out enough runs to keep the win column fully stocked. This year, we get a full season of Hunter Pence. He’s got two years before he can go on the free agent market for the contract that will set him up for life, like the bearded bozo who currently plays for the Washington Nationals. Something tells me he will work extra hard to transfer some of the fireworks he sets off during batting practice to the part of the day that actually counts. Shane Victorino and Jimmy Rollins will continue to be Shane Victorino and Jimmy Rollins. In other words, they will come up with some big hits when they are not popping up to the second basemen while swinging at a first-pitch fastball at their eyebrows.

I know that John Mayberry has struggled. But I fully believe he will bounce back during the summer months and make very decent strides toward becoming a passable major league starting outfielder. Why do I believe this? Duh! The ball retrievers in Clearwater were actually Hooters girls in tight white halters and orange Lycra short shorts. You wouldn’t be concentrating on squaring up the barrel either. At least not in that way.

There is also the fact that, although you may not believe it based on the average Phillies fan’s level of hysteria, Ryan Howard and Chase Utley are not in fact dead as Osama bin Laden’s shark-bait corpse. No, they will return at some point and offer some offensive stats, no matter how meager and unworthy-of-their-salary they may be.

And finally, I make these three statements and I will completely stand by them:
1) Juan Pierre will revive his career by stealing 70 bags as the Phillies part-time leadoff hitter.

2) Tyjimlaynce Nixinthome will combine to hit 40 home runs and drive in 100 ribbies as sluggers off the pine.

3) Freddy Galvis will launch his future Hall of Fame career by smacking 30 doubles and exhibiting the grace of a young Fred Astaire while manning the middle of the infield on both sides of the bag.

Now that I have gotten that out of my system, please hold on for an hour while I allow the Ecstasy I imbibed 15 minutes ago to suitably wear off.

(60 minutes later)

Wow, the lights look soooooooo briiiiiiiight! And that 300-pound lady looks soooooooo beauuuuuuutiful! Anybody got any old Paul Oakenfold records I can dance to while looking like a crazed Tourette’s victim?

(240 more minutes later)

Phewww, why am I so sweaty? OK, what was I saying? Right. I think the hitting will be decent enough to win the Phillies a very respectable number of games. The bullpen may not thrill me, but it isn’t going to be flushing games down the toilet like cocaine when the cops show up either. Chad Qualls will serve as a perfect innings-eater on the nights when Joe Blanton pitches. When we have non-scrubs toeing the rubber, you most likely will only need three pitchers at most. Once fully healthy, Michael Stutes will build on a solid 2011 campaign that saw him fading down the stretch. Antonio Bastardo also saw his game lilting as the season went on last year, but I love his stuff when he is on. Maybe I am crazy, but if Jose Contreras can get healthy, there is no one I would rather give the ball to face a tough righty (Ok, terrible cliché there; I would rather give it to Tim Lincecum or the Hideo Nomo of my childhood, but you get the point). And then of course, you have the closer. Jonathan Papelbon! He wasn’t paid 50 million to blow games. Get the ball in his hands up one run and you might as well put it in the books. (Oh wait, he blew a save against the Orioles in game 162 last year, costing the Red Sox a playoff berth. Gulp. That’s OK though. He probably had a Chik-Fil-A Spicy Chicken Deluxe going cold in the clubhouse.)

Before I close, a word about the National League East: The Miami Marlins have picked up some big-time pieces. Jose Reyes. Mark Buehrle. Loud-mouth manager Jose Guillen. Add that to already-in-place studs like Josh Johnson, Hanley Ramirez, and whatever Mike Stanton is calling himself these days, and you have one heck of a roster. But there are also serious egos there. They will take time to mesh (if they ever do). When was the last time Jose Reyes helped a team win anything? Also, I have checked the books and no team has ever won a division while playing in a stadium that looks like something Frank Lloyd Wright would have vomited up while late-night-partying with Ricky Martin in Havana.

How about the Washington Nationals? They have quietly amassed some serious talent. On the mound, they boast two big-time arms in Stephen Strasburg and Gio Gonzalez. If he stays healthy after Tommy John surgery, count on Strasburg for big strikeout numbers, 17-18 wins, and a heaping helping of ballpark electricity. They also have an intriguing mix of established talent (Ryan Zimmerman, Xavier Nady, Michael Morse) and young ballers on the make (Wilson Ramos, Danny Espinosa, Ian Desmond). Still, something tells me that these guys are still a year away from legitimate contention. Something also tells me that Jayson Werth will continue to suck like a Beltway hooker offering a special two-for-one deal for publicly uptight yet privately hedonistic Republican slimeball hypocrites.

Finally, there’s the Atlanta Braves and the New York Mets. When you talk about these teams…oh, forget it. These teams aren’t worth talking about. Chipper Jones and Tim Hudson are on the way to the scrap heap and the Mets hold about as much significance as the pile of fecal matter I scraped off my shoe after taking my dog on a leash-restrained sojourn last night. That’s right. The bastard made me wear a leash.

So there you have it. The Phillies forecast for 2012. A lack of runs, a large amount of wins, and a veritable motherlode of angst. As Hunter S. Thompson would say, “Buy the ticket. Take the ride…”*

*…and enjoy a second-round playoff departure. Sorry. We have Pete Orr on our team. You have to be realistic.
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Tale of the Pie: Amedeo's Too

I should have taken it as a sign.

A mere three hours before the Philadelphia Phillies took the field at Citizens Bank Park and treated their loyal followers to a performance akin to a steakhouse diner in need of a Heimlich maneuver, we chose to order a pizza from Norristown's Amedeo's Too (yeah, I don't really get the "too"either). This was a mistake akin to sending Cliff Lee out in the seventh inning of a game in which he was clearly being shelled (yeah, I will shut up about the Phillies soon).

It's a shame too because the people working at this place are very nice. When I went to pick up the pie, they were wild about Saucy Jr., telling me how cute he was and certainly making me feel very comfortable with their prompt service. But, of course, their prompt service was part of the problem. You see, they quoted me 20 minutes to make the pie. Despite the fact that I live a mere 10 minutes away and I left immediately because I am always suspicious of pizza shop time-quotes, the pizza and wings I ordered were already available when I entered the store. Factor in the drive home and this meant cold food and a very bumpy start to the Amedeo's pizza experience.

When I arrived at home and opened the box, the disappointments kept coming. You see, the wife was in the mood for sausage and peppers so we added that to the pie. For whatever reason, I am not always a major fan of sausage on pizza, so I requested extra sauce. This is always a quandary, I suppose, for the pizza maker, but really what I want when I ask for this is just a little more sauce than the usual pie. I want it to ooze a little bit out of the slice when I fold the pie. What I am not looking for is sauce seemingly applied via fire hose. Unfortunately, Amedeo's response to the extra sauce request was closer to the latter, with an overload of sauce provided beneath the cheese and an extra dollop added to the pizza in the form of a red-topper. It was just too much.

As for the actual taste of the sauce, I must confess that there was a bit of a split decision between myself and the wife. The better half thought it was fairly good, but I'm writing the review and I felt that it was heavily sugared and not overly reminiscent of tomato despite the fact that it was extremely chunky.

The excess sauce also did no favors to the rest of the pie's elements. It softened what was already a very thick, chewy crust. I am also convinced that the pie was not properly cooked time-wise because under extensive examination I not only detected its mushiness orally, but the eye test revealed segments of the slice that seemed extremely doughy as if it was pulled out a little too early. The cheese of the pie certainly did not pop with flavor, and it was made worse due to the poor time-quote. It was clumpy and ooze-resistant. The toppings overall were a bust to me as well. Yes, the green peppers seemed fresh, but who can blow a green pepper? The sausage, on the other hand, was underspiced. It seemed like someone had sliced up some breakfast links and tossed them on the pie. The wife noted that they did distribute the toppings liberally, but if you are not really feeling the flavor of them, there comes a time when that is a bit of a liability, no?

So OK, the main attraction was a bit of a letdown, but the good thing is that we also ordered the wings. Perhaps, they would be so spectacular that they would make the $21 purchase worthwhile! Sorry. If you thought that was what I was going to write, you had probably already reserved your spot on Broad St. for the Phillies parade. Don't be so gullible; the appetizer was awful too. While they were plump enough, they had an unforgivable lack of sauce on them and that which was there added virtually nothing detectable by the average tastebud. We pretty much had to douse those joints with Cholula just to make them semi-enjoyable.

I think you know where this review is going: You are thinking that it is heading full steam ahead toward a sentence that begins with "Don't" and ends with "order a pizza from Amedeo's Too." And you would be correct. Only I would be remiss if I didn't mention their location as well. I hate it. Their parking lot is ridiculously small. You pretty much have to be an instructor for the DMV to get out of the vicinity without scratching up your (or somebody else's) beloved automobile. By the way, sorry, Dude in Benz who I left with a horrible surprise. I'm sure your insurance will cover it! Now, if only they would give you back the money you spent on that lousy pie from Amedeos Too.


Pros: Nice people at the register, uh...fresh green peppers?

Cons: Overly liberal application of extra sauce, thick, doughy crust, clumpy cheese, inaccurate time quote for pickup

Amedeo's Too
1961 West Main St.
Eagleville, PA 19403

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The Homicidal Musings of a Phillies Fan Scorned

"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears;
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."

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The above is a tremendous line from Julius Caesar, a wonderful play by an exceptional playwright named William Shakespeare. Earlier this month, it was cribbed by Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay to describe his feelings toward his opponent in the National League Division Series, the St. Louis Cardinals. Now, exactly one week after the start of a series that the Philadelphia Phillies were universally expected to win, it turns out that the only thing the team buried was the hopes of the city's fan base for another World Series parade.

So now, as I reflect back on the team's season, the line begins to take on another meaning. Yes, the team had a terrific regular season. They set a franchise record for wins in a season with 102. Charlie Manuel passed Gene Mauch to become the winningest manager in team history. The four aces - Halladay, Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels, and Vance Worley - treated the fans to near-nightly feats of wonder on the mound. But let's make this clear: pulling an epic choke job in the first round of the National League playoffs makes all of that sh*t absolutely moot. Over the last week the Phillies resembled not a team of highly trained professional baseball assassins, but rather a motley crew of nerve-stricken chokers, baseball-IQ-averse mental midgets, and, in one particular shortstop's case, scapegoat-seeking whiners. So yes, if the Phillies, with their incredible pitching staff, their lofty payroll, and their five straight division championships are Caesar, then I am not here to praise them. I am here to bury them. And through their lousy play this October, they have provided me with a rather large shovel.

Raul Ibanez
Congrats, bro! You hit one to the warning track last night! YIPPEE! Despite the fact that you looked near tears in your locker room interview last night, I pray to God that I have seen the last instance of your sputtering your wheels after a weak groundball to second base. John Mayberry Jr. should have taken your spot for good months ago and I'm sure beginning next year left field will become his permanent assignment.

Chase Utley
Sorry, Mr. Teflon, but the gloves need to come off for you! You potentially cost the Phillies multiple runs this series with your idiotic risk-taking baserunning. The media and fans will probably just sell your antics as two more examples of your inimitable hustle, but what you pulled out there this week was just plain stupid. Trying to go from first to third on a groundout to the shortstop with no outs and your team down one run? That is something that could only be topped if you decided to run on the best arm in baseball with a 1-0 deficit while hobbled with an arthritic knee that kept you out of the lineup for a decent amount of the season. So of course you did that as well. Thanks, Genius, for flushing the whole f*cking season.

Placido Polanco
Sir, I wish you luck on your upcoming hernia surgery. And after the way you played this series, I also wish you luck on a hopeful retirement. Your sorry azz needs to come off the payroll.

Carlos Ruiz
Senorita Octubre.

Cliff Lee
A series of questions: Did I whine about the Phillies trading Cliff Lee the whole time that he was gone? Yes. Was I incredibly happy when they decided to bring him back last offseason? Yes. Was he stunningly brilliant at times this year with multiple scoreless streaks of over 30 innings? Yes. Was he the main reason why the Phillies did not win this series? Yes. Hey, say what you want about the Phillies anemic hitting in the postseason (and there is plenty to say), but all this a$$munch needs to do is hold a 4-0 lead and we sweep the Cardinals. That team of scrappy yet uninspiring battlers would be going golfing instead of prepping to play the Brewers. Instead, this guy choked away a sizeable lead because he couldn't put away guys like Ryan Theriot. F*ck him!!!

The People Who Attended Game 2
Did you people really applaud the guy who blew Game 2 and the series for us as he was running off the field? Jesus! Time to stop riding the guy's pistachios!

Roy Oswalt
All year, we have been calling this guy "Little Roy," when in fact we should have been calling him "Little Cliff." Because like his true namesake, he too took an early lead given to him by his offense and blew it like a Kensington Avenue "lady of the night." Then, in the locker room, he blames the fact that he gave up a dinger to should-be minor leaguer David Freese on "poor pitch selection." In other words, it was Ruiz's fault. Whatever, dude. You should not have even been starting in this series. Go find a down-South road that needs clearing and stay there.

Jimmy Rollins
Although you choked hardcore in game 5, you actually played quite well in this series, James. Hopefully, it will get you a foolishly lengthy and pricey contract from a team on the West Coast. But here is a question: How did those Game 5 fans sound? Those people were loud and rowdy despite the fact that you guys were laying an enormous egg on the field. The bottom line is fans don't win games. Players who don't collapse under the pressure do. Also, extra kudos to you for ducking the media after the contest! What a professional. I guess they should just sign up for your Twitter if they want insightful updates about how sh*tty the fans are?

Hunter Pence
Maybe if we would have forced the Cardinals' hurlers to pitch in front of a batting practice screen, our late-season addition from the Houston Astros would have come up big in the clutch instead of hitting a seemingly endless string of off-balance bouncers to second base and shortstop. I don't care how many tweets you send thanking the fans for their support, .211 and useless in the three-hole doesn't cut it. But, hey, at least you'll always have the time-capsule ready memory of celebrating a division title in an overly animated fashion worthy of finding out that you just won the honor of a threesome with Scarlett Johannsen and Jessica Biel.

Ben Francisco
Congratulations! Who would have thought you would end up being the most accomplished hitter on the Phillies roster this series?

Roy Halladay
Nothing I can say about you...except that you gave up runs in the first inning of both games that you pitched. And in Game 2, that run, which was a result of consecutive extra-base hits to superstars Rafael Furcal and Skip Schumaker, put an already skittish offense on their heels. I'm just saying: Carpenter put up goose eggs. You WERE outpitched. But I'm nit-picking.

Charlie Manuel
Let's address your performance: Polanco should have been nowhere near the field. Cliff Lee should have never gone back on the field in the seventh inning of Game 2 with the game tied 4-4. Ryan Howard needed Hunter Pence batting fifth behind him, not the unpredictable performance of would-be flyweight slugger Shane Victorino. Meanwhile, you made absolutely no changes to your lineup in the whole of the series even though Polanco and Ruiz clearly had nothing and the lineup as you had it constituted was practically anemic. In other words, I truly hope you had to pay for your seat because that hands-off nonsense you just pulled was not managing; it was spectating.

Ryan Howard
So you thought you were getting away because you ruptured your Achilles tendon, huh? 'Fraid not. Is this what we pay you $25 million for? A strikeout more than once every three postseason at-bats? Harmless groundouts to the first baseman because you're positioning yourself so far off the plate leaves you hopelessly susceptible to the outside pitch? A look of fear in your eyes so evident during that last at-bat, you would have thought you were being chased through a Colorado hedgemaze by an ax-wielding Jack Torrance? Maniacal suckling of a mouthpiece on the bench like you were feeding at your mother's teet. Hey man, I hope your leg is OK. I also hope that while you are chilling on the sidelines you can think of a way to shoot one into left field every once in a while. Or maybe you can take one every once in a while on 3-0 when you are hitting about as effectively as an American League pitcher wacked out on roofies.

Shane Victorino
Eh. I have no more vitriol left. Just trade this jumpy a$$hole already.

So there you have it, 2011 Philadelphia Phillies. Thanks for the memories! And by that I of course mean the memory of your losing to an inferior team, who then proceeded to celebrate on our field as if they had just discovered a permanent cure for Tony LaRussa's erectile dysfunction.
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Five Reasons the Phillies Will Win Game Five (and Five Reasons They Won’t)

1. No way the Phillies lose a series clincher on their home field for the second year in a row! It’s just not happening! The fans will be exceptionally psyched for this one due to the temerity of Jimmy Rollins and the incredibly late starting time. A longer wait equals more beers, which equals drunken nutcases yelling at the top of their lungs. As long as you are not at the game with your five-year-old son, this is a good thing.

2. Roy Halladay is on the mound, and he is actually coming off of what was, for him, a bit of a ho-hum outing. There is no way in hell he gives up runs early, like he did in Game 1 of this series. I’m hoping Lance Berkman enjoyed the dinger he got to clock off of Doc in his first at-bat of the series. This time, he – and the rest of his Cardinals teammates – will get nothing, even if they don’t like it!

When I Googled...

Seems to be alot of talk on the internets about the squirrel that keeps crashing the Phillies-Cardinals NLDS playoff. What's his deal? Is he a camera hog? A big POO-Holes fan? Did he not realize Oswalt was pitching last night, and what Oswalt could have done to him? Oh, and did you know, the squirrel is on Twitter and has 11,300 followers? (@BuschSquirrel) Seriously, he is!

So naturally this weeks "When I Googled..." post takes a look at what comes up when you search for "squirrel" Enjoy and bon appetit.

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Monthly Roundup: September's Top Posts

To close each month, we'll do a quick roundup of the not-to-miss posts. In a blog with so much fascinating content, it could be easy to miss one or two good posts.

If you need a break from thinking about that Phillies loss tonight, take a look back at some of our best content from September.

• Senor Crusty joins the team and introduces a fun new feature, When I Googled. Check out monogram turkey platter and pierogi dinner.
• To mark the end of the shore season, Saucy reviews a few spots in Wildwood and Cape May: Mack's Pizza, Nino's Family Restaurant and Cabanas.
• It's that time of year again ... Oktoberfest, beerfest, beer dinner. Whatever the name of the event, the beer's the main attraction. Emmental reviews the Newtown Beerfest and Crusty interviews Spicy and Saucy about the fall beer dinner at Chap's with Joe Sixpack.
• Their season's only just begun, but some of us are already over them. Yep, we're talking about the Eagles. LOL, Saucy, LOL.
• We review Port Richmond's legendary pizza spot, Tacconelli's. And Ellio returns from his honeymoon with a report on pizza in Curacao.

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What the F!?!?: Phillies Playoff Edition

What the F...was Cliff Lee doing blowing a 4-0 lead against superstars like Ryan Theriot, John Jay, and Rafael Furcal? This is a little bit scary, but in Lee's last three postseason starts, his ERA is over 7.00. And by the way, it could have been much worse. If Placido Polanco did not make an incredible play at third base in the first inning, the Cardinals add another run to their total. Same holds for when Carlos Ruiz held on to the ball despite being utterly flattened by a cheap-shotting Jay on a play at the plate in the fourth.

What the F...was umpire Jerry Meals doing behind the plate in a playoff game? This is the same guy who called a Braves runner safe at home plate earlier in the season despite the fact that he was clearly out by ten feet in an extra-inning game against the Pirates. It's living proof that there is simply no accountability on the part of baseball for the walking disgraces that are calling the balls and strikes in some of these games. Exhibit B, Joe West, is working the Brewers-Diamondbacks series this October.

Booze...in 50 Words or Less: Victory Festbier

Victory Brewing Company Festbier
Phillies Beer #2: Was in Downingtown area today for 5K. Wifey promised me we could go to Victory Brewpub if I ran. She welched. Uncool. Luckily, had bottle left in the fridge. Fine Oktoberfest beer. Heavy maltiness, hint of caramel, and something that comes across to me like grape.

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The Pizza Project
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Booze...in 50 Words or Less: Bell's Pale Ale

Bell's Pale Ale
Phillies Beer #1: From the Comstock, Michigan brewery that brought the world the stellar Bell's Two Hearted. This is disappointing though. It's got a crisp taste, but it's low on hops, the scent is fairly negligible, and it's generally low on flavor. This will not be purchased again.

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The Pizza Project
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Ten Thoughts from Watching the Phillies Game Last Night

1. It doesn't matter if you are Roy Halladay: If you throw a meatball right down the middle of the plate in the playoffs, it is going to be deposited very, very, very deep in the seats.

2. This being said, if a player on the opposing squad is going to crank an epic three-run dinger, it is nice if a) said bomb takes place in the first inning and b) you have Roy Halladay on the mound for the rest of the game. Apart from the stray F-bomb, it was pretty clear that Halladay wasn't rattled at all.

3. What's the best way to put the memory of last year's bat-left-on-the-shoulder moment behind you? If you are Ryan Howard, putting a Kyle Lohse offering into the second deck might just do the trick.

4. Remember when we were wondering what happened to Chase Utley? Five at-bats, three hits, two doubles, three runs scored sound about right? Seriously, can you blame Chase Utley for not being able to get up for meaningless games against the Nationals? I think it is safe to say that the Beast is now unleashed for the postseason.

Sorry! Twenty Reasons Why the Eagles Won't Be Winning the Super Bowl This Year!

As of this post, The Pizza Project is not sure about how much Philadelphia Eagles coverage they will have this year. You see, site sports fanatic Saucy McGilliguddy is still in the midst of a boycott due to the team's signing of psychopathic ex-con Michael Vick to call the signals. So enjoy this preview of Philadelphia's football squad and look out for additional articles when "The Sauce Boss" can lower himself to the depths necessary to watch a criminal run around with a pigskin for entertainment purposes.

So now, the twenty reasons the Eagles won't be winning the Super Bowl this year...AGAIN.

A Slightly Aimless Rant about...That Idiot Who Interfered on Hunter Pence's Home Run/Double/Out Today

2-2 ball game. Ryan Howard on first base. Hunter Pence at the plate. Pence lifts an opposite field shot to right field. Florida Marlins outfielder Whatshisname (Sorry, I don't know who the guy is, and why would I since he plays for a last-place team that draws 15 people to its home games?) jumps for the ball. Just as he approaches the ball, a pasty white guy with a massive beer gut and a hardly fitting Phillies jersey reaches over the field with his hat to try and "catch" the ball. He interferes with Outfielder McGee. The ball is ruled a double on the field. After protest by Marlins manager Jack McKeon, the umpires go to replay. Instead of a double that would have put runners on 2nd and 3rd in a tied contest, Pence is declared out and Ryan Howard is made to go back to first base. With everything settled on the field, the idiot in the stands goes back to drinking his 18th Bud Light of the day until the ushers come down and kick he and his equally foolhardy companion out of the got dam ballpark. After their departure, the stadium is declared to be containing less people than the average town in Cormac McCarthy's The Road.

Monthly Roundup: August's Top Five Posts

To close each month, we'll do a quick roundup of the top five not-to-miss posts. In a blog with so much fascinating content, it could be easy to miss one or two good posts.

 

 

Okay, I know it's already September, but this is the first chance I'm getting to write this post. I've been busy working on my comedy routine (aka matron-of-honor speech) for my sister's upcoming nuptials. The top five posts from August were:

• Photo of the Week - Emmental launched this popular weekly feature with pictures of a mega jellyfish, a hot lady sunbathing and Hurricane Irene.
• Inside Scoop from Hunter Pence Batting Practice - Saucy linked to this post in a comment on the popular Fightins site, resulting in some major traffic. And only one douche said it sucked.
• Shipyard Pumpkinhead - Most commented-on post of the month, but I'm not sure why it was so hot. The beer itself stunk.
• Pizza Reviews - Pies were pretty darn good last month. We recommend Marzano's, Perrotto's and Olce Pizza Grille.
• Props Out: My Wife - Perhaps this was not one of the most popular posts of the month in terms of pageviews. But I like it. A lot.

Deal Alert: Labor Day at Audubon Chick-fil-A

When we're not eating pizza, but looking for a quick bite, we do enjoy a tasty Chick-fil-A nibble. Plus, the actual nibble loves the indoor play area (which is surprisingly clean). We happened to be there yesterday and noticed a Labor Day promotion we'd like to share. Show up this Monday at the Audubon location between 10:30 a.m. and 8 p.m. in your favorite sports team apparel and receive a free Chick-fil-A sandwich.

I've got my Phillies shirt all ready ...

A Slightly Aimless Rant about...Phillies Management

The people who run the Phillies have done an incredible job turning this team into probably the most respected team in the sport. They won a championship in 2008, and instead of taking the accomplishment as a chance to fall back into obscurity (figuring they had a decent grace period owed to them), they went ahead and made the moves that would assure them long-term dominance. The moves probably don’t need to be retraced since they have been talked about ad nauseum in the year’s since, but let’s do a quick version anyway: they went out to get Cliff Lee to try and repeat in 2009; they got rid of Lee, but went out and got a superior ace in Roy Halladay; they traded for Roy Oswalt when they realized how stupid it was to get rid of Lee; realizing that Oswalt was not quite enough to replace Lee, they simply said “F*ck it,” and went out and reacquired the lefty; satisfied with having the best rotation in baseball, but realizing that their team would struggle to score runs in the postseason without a competent right-handed bat, they went out and recalled Hunter Pence from their quadruple-A minor league affiliate, the Houston Astros. Bottom line is the Phillies have done what it has taken to build a franchise that is second to none.

The Inside Scoop from Hunter Pence Batting Practice

If you have watched any Phillies action whatsoever since the home team picked up Hunter Pence, you know one thing: Tom McCarthy and Chris Wheeler are two of the sh*ttiest announcers in all of sports. But you would also know that they are practically orgasmic over the shows Pence puts on at batting practice. They can't shut up about it actually. Luckily, The Pizza Project was on the scene earlier today when Pence stepped into the cage today before facing the Arizona Diamondbacks. And we just happened to be in earshot of Wheels and T-Mac when the bombs started going off. Here's what we heard.

Top Ten Thoughts I Had While Sitting in a Hair Cuttery Getting My Hair Cut

1) Jeez, I totally wish I would have remembered the picture of Jake Gyllenhaal I use to show people how I want my haircut. They're never going to be able to get it right without a picture of the dude from Brokeback Mountain to show them the way!

2) Maybe I should request someone? There are like five people in here who have cut my hair before. When you go to a hairdresser and then don't request them the next time, I wonder if they go in the back in cry or if they throw darts at your picture or maybe a picture of Jake Gyllenhaal for being so unfortunate to be your hair role model?

3) Nah, I'm just going to take the first person available (pause). Oh wait, this is the first person available? Man, I totally should have requested that other one. She's way more attrative. It would have made the whole uncomfortable "Wow, her breast is accidentally brushing against my shoulder as she trims my cowlick" moment a lot more enjoyable.

Props Out: Ruben Amaro Jr.

Today, we are throwing some love in the direction of Philadelphia Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. The dude done did it again. He detected a weakness on his team that could keep them from succeeding, and he went out and filled the hole. Two years ago, it was nabbing Cliff Lee from the Cleveland Indians. Last year, it was jacking Roy Oswalt from the "Happ-less" Houston Astros. This July 29 (amazingly, all three trades have happened on the same date), he went out and pried rightfielder Hunter Pence away from those same erstwhile Colt 45s (apparently the guy has an affinity for robbing former Phillies GM Ed Wade).

For the last week, as the trade deadline in Major League Baseball has approached, I have been telling anyone who would listen to me that the Phillies needed to go out and snag Pence (in fact, I feel stupid that I did not write it in these airwaves because I would have looked like a frigging genius). First of all, he immediately fills a hole in your lineup because of his right-handed bat (watch Ryan Howard's numbers go up now with proper protection). He is a guy who hits for a .308 average on a team where someone hitting .250 is a rarity. He plays right field proficiently and has a rocket for an arm. Anyone who has seen Dominic Brown out there (diving for balls awkwardly, throwing the ball all over the place, jogging after balls in the corner) over the last few months knows that you would not have wanted him prowling the outfield when the games really started to count.

Top Ten Thoughts I Had While Sitting in the Bar by Myself for Ten Minutes

1) "Ok, where should I sit? Alright, that looks like a good spot. No. It's totally wrong. There needs to be at least three seats open so I can sit in the middle. I don't want to encourage anyone to talk to me. That would be completely idiotic."

2) "Is it wrong to be this excited about getting myself a growler of Troegs Mad Elf? Seriously! I feel like a kid about to open his Christmas gifts or something! But does it make me an alkie?"

3) "OK, so getting the Mad Elf growler doesn't make me an alkie! It's just a really good beer! Hoping it's a slow pour so I can finsih a pint of Ballast Point Big Eye IPA while I wait? Maybe."

4) "I wonder if these people think I am a psycho or something because I'm sitting here by myself? Well, I'm a 34-year-old man wearing a shirt with the Nestle Quik rabbit on it. Of course they do!"

5) "Maybe I should just talk to someone about the weather or the Phillies or something. How about these people to my left? Oh wait, they are both women. I am married and contractually not allowed to talk to human beings with breasts. How about this guy to my right? No, I can't talk to him! He might think I am hitting on him, or, more importantly, that I am someone who is actually interested in his drunken ramblings. Let me just stare at this beer menu instead and maybe they won't think I'm waiting for a hooker to show up."

6) "How long can you stare at a beer menu before you look like a total booze fiend? At this point, I have picked it up and put it down something like 15 times. I've memorized the alcohol by volume of Budweiser, MGD, and Coors Light. Someone take this thing away from me!"

7) "Maybe I will just look at my cell phone for a minute. It's a handy tool. Makes it look like you are just waiting for someone to come and join you. Would it be odd if I had, maybe, a fake conversation on it? I guess that's a little crazy? Oh wait, it's actually ringing now. It's the wife wondering where I'm at! Better put that away. I told her I was getting dog food."

8) "I guess I will just stare at the Phillies game on the TV. NO! I can't do that!!! People will wonder why I didn't just stay home and watch it. 'Oh, he had to come out here because there is beer here! He couldn't just drink Dr. Pepper or something!! WHAT AN ALKIE!!!' Plus, there is the fact that they are totally being humiliated by Tim Lincecum."

9) "The jukebox is an option. It's like ten minutes, right? I could play five Ramones songs in that amount of time. Plus, I always look cool and intense while looking at a jukebox. 'Wow, look at how long it is taking him to decide! He must really like interesting, obscure, inaccessible music! I want his CD collection!' No one would ever think that I was an beer-guzzling psycho with an affinity for shooting up local pubs and shirts with cocoa-loving, lactose-tolerant cartoon characters on them!"

10) "Sh*t! Here's the bartender with my growler! Do I have time for one more beer? I can go to the car and get a book to pretend to read."

Ten Things I'm Hating...RIGHT NOW!!!

1) That guy on the train who flops into the seat like a 300 pounder - Seriously, you couldn't ease your behind onto the leather without making me hop three inches out of my seat? Chill the F out. It's not a trampoline!

2) The lady who gave me the look when I jumped in front of her at the Corner Bakery today - Sorry, lady. They asked for the "next ready guest." Staring at the menu board for ten minutes with your mouth wide open does not exactly communicate the idea of readiness. They have salad, soup, and sandwiches. Pick one and get it over with.

3) People who talk when they are in the bathroom - I don't even like when someone talks to me while I am urinating, but the other day I walked into a bathroom to see two dudes chatting each other up...and one of them was in a stall with his pants around his ankles. Engaging in conversation mid-evacuation is so wrong I'm not sure I could do the reasons justice.