Friday, October 7, 2011

Five Reasons the Phillies Will Win Game Five (and Five Reasons They Won’t)

1. No way the Phillies lose a series clincher on their home field for the second year in a row! It’s just not happening! The fans will be exceptionally psyched for this one due to the temerity of Jimmy Rollins and the incredibly late starting time. A longer wait equals more beers, which equals drunken nutcases yelling at the top of their lungs. As long as you are not at the game with your five-year-old son, this is a good thing.

2. Roy Halladay is on the mound, and he is actually coming off of what was, for him, a bit of a ho-hum outing. There is no way in hell he gives up runs early, like he did in Game 1 of this series. I’m hoping Lance Berkman enjoyed the dinger he got to clock off of Doc in his first at-bat of the series. This time, he – and the rest of his Cardinals teammates – will get nothing, even if they don’t like it!

3. Chase Utley isn’t going to do anything as incredibly and utterly and ridiculous stupid as this.

4. Ryan Howard can’t continue to suck as much as he has in this series thus far! Sure, he hit a huge home run in the first game of the series, but since then he has acted like hitting a baseball is synonymous with hitting an 85-year-old lady with a closed fist. His bat has waved fruitlessly at passing junk pitches. He is idiotically standing so far off of the plate, making him completely vulnerable to the outside corner. It is as if he is expecting sniper fire due to his lousy play and wants to be as close to a dugout as humanly possible. But this cannot continue. I am expecting a breakout game for the Big Piece tonight. I think tonight we are going to find out why we paid him $25 million to strike out more than once every three at bats in the playoffs. It is for the moments when he connects and the ball flies very, very, very deep into the night. (I also think that if he does continue to strike out every time up at the plate, his house will be burnt down. This is a wonderful motivator.)

5. St. Louis Cardinal players such as Ryan Theriot, David Freese, John Jay, and [INSERT ENTIRE BULLPEN HERE] will experience postseason pressure and go back to being the inimitable scrubs that they have been for the entirety of their careers.

So that was that. And now, the five reasons the Phillies will absolutely, unquestionably, positively blow this game, presented by guest author B*tch-A$$, Whiny, Front-Running Phillies Fan #1.

1. Because Tony LaRussa is one of the greatest managers in the history of the…OH DEAR GOD!!!!

[Editor’s Note: I’m sorry. The author who was going to argue the case of Cardinals dominance was not able to complete his missive. This is because I cracked him in his cranium as he prepared to type his vicious hate-speech. There is no time for unbiased analysis on a day like this. The Phillies will win, and that is simply the way it is. 2-1 victory, ya heard, and for all y’all fans who are scared, get a rabid Busch Stadium squirrel for protection.]

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