Aruba Edition: A Slightly Aimless Rant about...the Family Who Made Our Trip Home from Aruba a Living Hell

On the way back from Aruba, Saucy Jr. was an absolute terror. He never stopped jumping on us. He screamed at top volume about his desire for Animal Crackers or lollipops or toys or the potty. He constantly tried to kick the seat of the people in front of us. He slapped us in the face for daring to not allow him to do whatever the hell it was that he wanted to do at any particular moment in time. Overall, he was a horrific nuisance. But that was OK. Because he wasn't even the most annoying person (or group of people) in our general vicinity.

A Slightly Aimless Rant about...Several Things

Kids in My NeighborhoodLast week, I caught some little bastards throwing stones down the mushroom thingie that sits outside my house. You know, the thing that leads to the apparatus that shuttles the waste out of your house? Anywho, I went out there and chased the little MFers away and I thought that was the end of it. Apparently not. Last night, I flush the toilet and sewage water starts flowing into my basement like Niagara Falls. Had to have some dude come out to look at things and he tells me that, indeed, there were stones and mud in the line that toilet paper attached to, and the ensuing cocktail of disgustingness clogged up the line, causing the backup. So I have a bit of a quandary here. Do I have to go to the kids' houses and tell their parents so they can administer proper punishment? Well, the one kid's parents are crack fiends or something while the other's I don't happen to know. Plus, such a move would require me to have to talk to a neighbor, which is something I try to do as rarely as humanly possible. Should I call the cops on the little buggers next time I see them acting the fool? That seems a little extreme. So I guess I will have to handle this situation in the manner that I think is the most humane way possible. I'm simply going to have to kill the rotten sons of biltches.

A Slightly Aimless Rant about...That Idiot Who Interfered on Hunter Pence's Home Run/Double/Out Today

2-2 ball game. Ryan Howard on first base. Hunter Pence at the plate. Pence lifts an opposite field shot to right field. Florida Marlins outfielder Whatshisname (Sorry, I don't know who the guy is, and why would I since he plays for a last-place team that draws 15 people to its home games?) jumps for the ball. Just as he approaches the ball, a pasty white guy with a massive beer gut and a hardly fitting Phillies jersey reaches over the field with his hat to try and "catch" the ball. He interferes with Outfielder McGee. The ball is ruled a double on the field. After protest by Marlins manager Jack McKeon, the umpires go to replay. Instead of a double that would have put runners on 2nd and 3rd in a tied contest, Pence is declared out and Ryan Howard is made to go back to first base. With everything settled on the field, the idiot in the stands goes back to drinking his 18th Bud Light of the day until the ushers come down and kick he and his equally foolhardy companion out of the got dam ballpark. After their departure, the stadium is declared to be containing less people than the average town in Cormac McCarthy's The Road.

A Slightly Aimless Rant about...Phillies Management

The people who run the Phillies have done an incredible job turning this team into probably the most respected team in the sport. They won a championship in 2008, and instead of taking the accomplishment as a chance to fall back into obscurity (figuring they had a decent grace period owed to them), they went ahead and made the moves that would assure them long-term dominance. The moves probably don’t need to be retraced since they have been talked about ad nauseum in the year’s since, but let’s do a quick version anyway: they went out to get Cliff Lee to try and repeat in 2009; they got rid of Lee, but went out and got a superior ace in Roy Halladay; they traded for Roy Oswalt when they realized how stupid it was to get rid of Lee; realizing that Oswalt was not quite enough to replace Lee, they simply said “F*ck it,” and went out and reacquired the lefty; satisfied with having the best rotation in baseball, but realizing that their team would struggle to score runs in the postseason without a competent right-handed bat, they went out and recalled Hunter Pence from their quadruple-A minor league affiliate, the Houston Astros. Bottom line is the Phillies have done what it has taken to build a franchise that is second to none.

A Slightly Aimless Rant about...the Chinese Government

Thank you, Chinese government, for ruining the sh*t out of Yao Ming's career!

The guy was my favorite player in the NBA. He was a giant who moved fluidly on the court, with a variety of hook shots, turnaround jumpers, and spin moves. He was a deft passer, getting his teammates involved, almost to the detriment of his team at times. He was a marvel at the free throw line, shooting 90 percent in a league where big men regularly shoot in the 50s and blame it on having big hands or some other such nonsense. He was a hard-working defender, constantly looking to develop his lateral movement so that teams could not victimize him with easy pick-and-rolls. He was the best center in the league, someone who rose to every challenge, facing down a prime Shaquille O'Neal with dignity and courage, and outshining the Man Who Would Be King, Dwight Howard, every time they played each other (if you follow basketball, I'm sure you think Dwight Howard has been the best center in basketball for quite some time; if so, check out the numbers - Dwight Howard simply could not get it done against Yao Ming). He routinely did things you would not expect from a 7'6" man, whether it be throwing a no-look pass behind his head, dazzling multiple defenders with spin-move up-and-unders, or going behind his back to finish a length-of-the-court rumble to the basket.

A Slightly Aimless Rant About...the Lady Who Tried to Ruin My Father's Day

People often ask me, "Saucy, why is it that you hate people so much?" I sometimes wonder myself. Then I go to a Father's Day brunch at Chadwick's and some lady tries to get all up in my zone and ruin it for me, and I no longer have any reservations regarding my disdain for the human race.

Here's the scenario: On Sunday, we took my father-in-law out for what, in theory, was a tribute to the great job he has done as patron to his children. He certainly deserves it!

A Slightly Aimless Rant about...Kids in Church

Look, man, I'm no incredible holy roller really. I don't really believe an intense religious belief is NECESSARY for one to be considered a moral human being. I don't memorize all of the little sayings that everyone recites togtether. I don't have any sort of intuitive understanding of what all the rituals mean (what's the head/lips/heart deal?), and I don't find it necessary to perform them. And many (all?) of my personal beliefs don't really line up with what is outlined by the Catholic Church figureheads. But I do go to church every Sunday. The wife wants to bring our little guy up in the Catholic tradition and generally just likes to go, and I certainly want to support her.

A Slightly Aimless Rant About the People at My Dunkin' Donuts

Every day I go to the same Dunkin' Donuts. And every day I go through the same dilemma. There is one section with two registers where the people quite wisely get in to two different lines. Being that this section is closer to where the trains let off, however, the lines tend to get pretty long.

Then there is this other section. Again, there are two registers. But it is a little hidden. People can't really see it what with the big lines at the other one, so there tend to be less people there. But there is one problem. No matter how many times the people at the registers yell "two lines," the people waiting in this section seem to stay in one line. It doesn't matter that there are two sets of footprints on the floor to signify that there are two lines; they stay in one line. it doesn't matter that there is a nylon rope type deal there to help people form two separate lines; people just stay in one line.