Thursday, August 18, 2011

The Inside Scoop from Hunter Pence Batting Practice

If you have watched any Phillies action whatsoever since the home team picked up Hunter Pence, you know one thing: Tom McCarthy and Chris Wheeler are two of the sh*ttiest announcers in all of sports. But you would also know that they are practically orgasmic over the shows Pence puts on at batting practice. They can't shut up about it actually. Luckily, The Pizza Project was on the scene earlier today when Pence stepped into the cage today before facing the Arizona Diamondbacks. And we just happened to be in earshot of Wheels and T-Mac when the bombs started going off. Here's what we heard.



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McCarthy - Hey Wheels, did you get over to Harry the K's to see that new statue? It sure is spectacular.
Wheeler - Nah, never really liked the guy. Why? Should I get over there to see it?
McCarthy - Well, I would say "Yes," but Pence just knocked the head off of the bronze bastard with one of his patented screaming liners. Looks like the damage is irreperable.
Wheeler - Good.

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McCarthy - Well, gee, would you look at that? Looks like someone's parachuting out of an airplane out by the Art Museum.
Wheeler - Nah. That's just someone who got knocked out of the Channel 6 Zoo balloon by one of Hunter Pence's majestic moonshots.

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Wheeler - So, Tommy, you ever get over to see the Liberty Bell since you got to town?
McCarthy - Nope, still haven't gotten over there yet, but I plan to one of these days.
Wheeler - Too bad. You should have saw it before Pence put a crack in it with one of his spectacular batting practice Scud missiles. It really was a site to behold.

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McCarthy - Wheels, what was it like calling games in the Vet? I really wish I could have done some of my Hall-of-Shame-level commentary in that cavernous concrete monstrosity?
Wheeler - Yeah, it really was something. I sure do miss that place.
McCarthy - I know. It's a shame it was destroyed as soon as Hunter Pence cranked a dinger out of the Astrodome roof in batting practice and it sailed all the way to Philadelphia at which point it demolished the Vet not by hitting it but simply by passing too close causing the sound of the baseball's violent trajectory to collapse the ol' ballpark like a mobile home in a Texas twister.
Wheeler - You got it. I'm pretty sure that's exactly how it happened too.

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McCarthy - Did you hear they had another one of those there flash mobs in Center City today, Wheels?
Wheeler - Oh no, that wasn't a flash mob. Pence just cranked one all the way to Market St. and the kids were just fighting over a potential souvenir.
McCarthy - But they had a whole bunch of clothes under the arms, like they had stole something.
Wheeler - Well, of course they did. They stole themselves some Hunter Pence batting practice jerseys; can you blame them!? He just hit one 5,280 feet on the fly!

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Wheeler - Oh man, did you hear about Chooch? Got his left testicle dinged up by a foul ball off of the bat of Miguel Montero.
McCarthy - Eh. He got off easy. If it had been off the bat of Hunter Pence, his chorizo probably would have instantly been seperated from his physique in a manner reminiscent of the unfortunate John Bobbitt.
Wheeler - You're probably right.

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McCarthy - You know, we spend so much time thinking about where these titanic parabolas end up when they are sent firing off into the seats of Citizens Bank Park. What do you think would happen if the sensationally jacked-up Mr. Pence drilled one into the ground?
Wheeler - Hmm. (pauses) I have to believe it would probably end up in some unfortunate Chinamen's egg foo yung after tunneling ferociously through the Earth's core.
McCarthy - Sounds about right.

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Wheeler - Look at these things shoot out of the yard and into Pattison Avenue, Tommy! Do you think there is any chance that Hunter is on 'roids.
McCarthy - Wheels, the way this guy is making Babe Ruth look like Brett Butler every day at batting practice, I can only assume that he is not only on 'roids, but his 'roids are on HGH!
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Wheeler - Gosh, I hope we don't play the Yankees this year in the Series.
McCarthy - Why, Wheels? Do you think they can beat us? Their pitching staff is in tatters, and they are getting a little long in the tooth, no?
Wheeler - No, I don't think they can beat us, but don't you think that city has gone through enough?
McCarthy - What do you mean?
Wheeler - I mean, first the Twin Towers, and now the Empire State Building might get toppled if Pence should catapult one out of the yard during one of his typically surreal batting practice exhibitions. Really, I think it's too much for one city to bear.
McCarthy - Maybe Obama will have troops guarding the building's perimeter?
Wheeler - Please Tommy, if the troops are in town, do you really think they would miss a Hunter Pence batting practice?
McCarthy - You're right. That was really stupid of me.

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McCarthy - Safe at second, safe and secure with New York...
Wheeler - What the heck are you doing?
McCarthy - Oh, I'm just practicing what I feel is the most integral part of my gig, the shilling of sponsors and tickets.
Wheeler - For Christ's sake, Tommy, you can't focus on that right now. You are in Ashburn Alley during a Hunter Pence batting practice. It's like a war zone! Lose your concentration for one second and...
A large sonic boom fills the stadium. The Wall of Fame is smashed to smithereens. Remnants of Tony Luke's pork sandwiches are strewn across the outfield and upper deck seats.
McCarthy - Oh my God, Wheels! Wheels has been hit! Done in by one of Hunter Pence's fire-breathing, heat-seeking, stadium-radiating fungo blasts! The game's on in less than two hours! What are we going to do?
Sarge - Hiya, Tom. I'd be glad to step in. I think I have nine innings in me.
McCarthy - (thinks to himself) Hmmm. Nine innings of Sarge? I wonder if the sassy chick from the W.B. Mason commercials can do color commentary?

4 comments:

  1. I had enough of McCarthy a few years ago when he was just doing the post game show. So, Penny's Pizza is pretty good?

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  2. NEVA NEVA NEVA just as good

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  3. Penny's pizza is delish! Similar in style to Perotto's, but even better (in my opinion). But they don't have an eat-in area, so depending on where you live, you may need to reheat at home. Or just open the box and enjoy a slice or two in the car. And they are only open Thurs-Sun from 3 to 9 p.m.

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  4. ThanksforEverythingBertAugust 19, 2011 at 8:27 AM

    Haha: Chinamen. I could so picture Wheels saying that. He doesn't see too many of them in Marple-Newtown.

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