Top Ten Thoughts I Had While Sitting in the Bar by Myself for Ten Minutes

1) "Ok, where should I sit? Alright, that looks like a good spot. No. It's totally wrong. There needs to be at least three seats open so I can sit in the middle. I don't want to encourage anyone to talk to me. That would be completely idiotic."

2) "Is it wrong to be this excited about getting myself a growler of Troegs Mad Elf? Seriously! I feel like a kid about to open his Christmas gifts or something! But does it make me an alkie?"

3) "OK, so getting the Mad Elf growler doesn't make me an alkie! It's just a really good beer! Hoping it's a slow pour so I can finsih a pint of Ballast Point Big Eye IPA while I wait? Maybe."

4) "I wonder if these people think I am a psycho or something because I'm sitting here by myself? Well, I'm a 34-year-old man wearing a shirt with the Nestle Quik rabbit on it. Of course they do!"

5) "Maybe I should just talk to someone about the weather or the Phillies or something. How about these people to my left? Oh wait, they are both women. I am married and contractually not allowed to talk to human beings with breasts. How about this guy to my right? No, I can't talk to him! He might think I am hitting on him, or, more importantly, that I am someone who is actually interested in his drunken ramblings. Let me just stare at this beer menu instead and maybe they won't think I'm waiting for a hooker to show up."

6) "How long can you stare at a beer menu before you look like a total booze fiend? At this point, I have picked it up and put it down something like 15 times. I've memorized the alcohol by volume of Budweiser, MGD, and Coors Light. Someone take this thing away from me!"

7) "Maybe I will just look at my cell phone for a minute. It's a handy tool. Makes it look like you are just waiting for someone to come and join you. Would it be odd if I had, maybe, a fake conversation on it? I guess that's a little crazy? Oh wait, it's actually ringing now. It's the wife wondering where I'm at! Better put that away. I told her I was getting dog food."

8) "I guess I will just stare at the Phillies game on the TV. NO! I can't do that!!! People will wonder why I didn't just stay home and watch it. 'Oh, he had to come out here because there is beer here! He couldn't just drink Dr. Pepper or something!! WHAT AN ALKIE!!!' Plus, there is the fact that they are totally being humiliated by Tim Lincecum."

9) "The jukebox is an option. It's like ten minutes, right? I could play five Ramones songs in that amount of time. Plus, I always look cool and intense while looking at a jukebox. 'Wow, look at how long it is taking him to decide! He must really like interesting, obscure, inaccessible music! I want his CD collection!' No one would ever think that I was an beer-guzzling psycho with an affinity for shooting up local pubs and shirts with cocoa-loving, lactose-tolerant cartoon characters on them!"

10) "Sh*t! Here's the bartender with my growler! Do I have time for one more beer? I can go to the car and get a book to pretend to read."