Sunday, September 11, 2011

Sorry! Twenty Reasons Why the Eagles Won't Be Winning the Super Bowl This Year!

As of this post, The Pizza Project is not sure about how much Philadelphia Eagles coverage they will have this year. You see, site sports fanatic Saucy McGilliguddy is still in the midst of a boycott due to the team's signing of psychopathic ex-con Michael Vick to call the signals. So enjoy this preview of Philadelphia's football squad and look out for additional articles when "The Sauce Boss" can lower himself to the depths necessary to watch a criminal run around with a pigskin for entertainment purposes.
So now, the twenty reasons the Eagles won't be winning the Super Bowl this year...AGAIN.

1) They are coached by Andy Reid. Duh! Poor clock management, idiotic challenges, and playoff chokefests are a virtual guarantee.

2) You can't play 18 cornerbacks at one time.

3) Their linebackers are three guys somebody you have never heard of has never heard of.

4) Again, they paid 18 cornerbacks to play for them this year, but they have decided not to pay DeSean Jackson, perhaps their best offensive weapon. The guy almost got killed running a crossing route last year, yet they have him not only playing wide receiver for relative peanuts, but returning punts as well. I'm sure he will give it his all.

5) Nate Allen. Kurt Coleman. Jarrad Page. Unfortunately, these aren't the dudes who walk around selling $10 Miller Lite at Lincoln Financial Field. These are the Eagles' safeties!!!

6) They've got Jackson! Vick! LeSean McCoy! Jeremy Maclin! But guess who they have blocking for them: a rookie (Jason Kelse), two journeymen, one of whom joined the team, like, two weeks ago (Evan Mathis and Kyle Devan), an utter mediocrity (Todd Herremanns), and a guy who has been a bust since he showed up to accept a big-time contract (Jason Peters).

7) By the way, brilliant minds that they are, the Eagles selected Danny Watkins in the first round of this year's NFL draft. The 26-year-old fireman engaged in a brief holdout before finally showing up and proceeding to show the team that he pretty much can't play. He called his adjustment process to the league "overwhelming." Hmmm. This can't end well.

8) One of the Eagles defensive linemen, Mike Patterson, could literally die at any moment. He suffered scary seizures in camp and was diagnosed with AVM, a potentially serious brain injury. Then the guy comes back the next week as if he had a slight hangover headache. Seriously, I hope the guy is OK because nothing would ruin the Sunday beer and nachos like a guy keeling over for good in the middle of the field.

9) Yes, the Eagles really do have last year's offensive line coach leading the defense. Amazing.

10) Do you really think Michael Vick is going to survive the whole season without getting injured? I'm talking bones broken. Tendons severed. The guy has more bad karma than your average kiddie porn film collector. Oh, by the way, when he gets injured, the backup quarterback is...

11) Vince Young. I don't know if you have seen this guy play lately, but, uh, he ain't at Texas anymore! If he gets hurt, you have...

12) Mike Kafka. No, not the guy who wrote Metamorphosis. That was Franz Kafka. Who I heard might have slightly better quarterbacking skills.

13) Let's be honest: The Green Bay Packers are just better.

14) So are the New Orleans Saints.

15) So are the Atlanta Falcons.

16) Not one, but two rookie kickers. That will bite them in the arse eventually.

17) "The Dream Team." The backup quarterback, a mental midget if ever there was one, had the chutzpah to call his team "The Dream Team" before they had even fired off a regular season snap. That sort of arrogance is rarely rewarded.

18) Marty Mornhinweg is still running the offense, right? That's the guy who once won the flip in sudden-death overtime and chose to kick off, yeah? Just checking.

19) Again, Andy Reid is the head coach. In a big game, he could be outcoached by Goldie Hawn in Wildcats.

20) Because I really, really, REALLY don't want them to. Philly may be a city of champions now, but I'm hoping that, for as long as we are employing the Dog Murderer, that privilige is reserved for the boys in white and red pinstripes.

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