The Inside Scoop from Hunter Pence Batting Practice

If you have watched any Phillies action whatsoever since the home team picked up Hunter Pence, you know one thing: Tom McCarthy and Chris Wheeler are two of the sh*ttiest announcers in all of sports. But you would also know that they are practically orgasmic over the shows Pence puts on at batting practice. They can't shut up about it actually. Luckily, The Pizza Project was on the scene earlier today when Pence stepped into the cage today before facing the Arizona Diamondbacks. And we just happened to be in earshot of Wheels and T-Mac when the bombs started going off. Here's what we heard.

Dear...You: The Neighborhood Qdoba Restaurant

Dear Qdoba,
I know you have been wondering why I stopped coming to see you! After all, you are right across the street from my abode. It was so convenient. There was a time that I would make a weekly appearance to sample your pleasures! The people who work for you were beginning to know my name and my preferred dishes! Why would such a comfortable relationship have to come to an end?

The fact is I needed to lose some weight! I was pushing two-hunny! My musculature was beginning to disappear like dictatorships in the Middle East. My man-boobs were beginning to rival Phillies broadcaster Tom McCarthy’s for sheer voluptuousness. My waist was beginning to display more jiggle than an episode of Boardwalk Empire that features Paz de la Huerta prominently. The final straw was a visit to the doctor for a physical. She inserted a syringe into my arm. She drew some blood. She went to look at the results. And then she straight up came back into the room and asked who was getting my film collection once I’ve moved on. Evidently she too liked films by Stanley Kubrick and Alfred Hitchcock, and was eager for a bequeathing.