The 2012 Philadelphia Phillies: A Most Likely Overly Optimistic Preview

Chase Utley’s career trajectory is plummeting faster than Rick Santorum’s chances to snag the Republican nomination!

Ryan Howard’s ACL surgery was apparently performed by Jared from Subway, who did the stitching with one hand while downing a Chicken Teriyaki with the other.

With the lineup reeling from a lack of pop, Ruben Amaro went out and spent $50 million on…a closer with an affinity for late-game chicken and beer.

The opening-day five-hole hitter is Ty Wigginton, some guy who I believe was recruited from a South Jersey slow-pitch softball league.

And for some ungodly reason, David Herndon and Kyle Kendrick are still on this team!

Yes, all is ominous in the skies above Citizens Bank Park. It’s enough to make you think that the Phillies may be in for a major plummet from the National League division cat bird’s seat that they have held for five straight years all the way down to fourth behind the big-spending Miami Marlins, the always-pesky Atlanta Braves, and the fast-emerging Washington Nationals. Well, feel free to jump ship if you like, but I have the Phillies winning 94 games and putting the division on lock for another year.

And why is that?

Roy Halladay.

Cliff Lee.

Cole Hamels.

Vance Worley (this one could make me look like a moron, but, screw it, I like the guy).

Do you think the Phillies did not see this coming? Do you think they didn’t see Placido Polanco breaking down like that ’92 station wagon you just kept driving because the seats were so comfortable? Hell, even if Ryan Howard was healthy, his production has been sliding for years. Just like Chase Utley may never be able to round second again without risking leg destruction on par with that of the ill-fated Barbaro, Howard will never return to the colossus who cranked 58 homers without breaking a sweat.

This is why you go get a Roy Halladay. You could put the Phillies ace on the mound and surround him by the Pittsburgh Pirates’ single-A squad. He is going to get his 19 wins out of sheer determination and will.

As for Cliff Lee, this is why you don’t run your team by listening to the idiots calling Philadelphia’s talk radio stations. If one were to judge by listening to Wally from Wilkes-Barre or whatever, the Phillies should have tossed Lee to the highest bidder this off-season. “Got two or three guys who are willing to carry the veterans’ donuts in Clearwater this spring training? We’ll give you one of the best lefthanders in the game for them.” Sorry, but you don’t dump a guy for having one lackluster outing – no matter how high-profile – unless you are prepared to end up looking like an idiot when he is throwing 30+ shutout innings for someone else while you have Joe Blanton struggling to hold down his spot in the rotation. (Note: Don’t get me wrong. I was – and still am – pissed at Lee for blowing that lead against the Cardinals. Getting raked by Ryan Theriot and Skip Schumaker? You have to be kidding me! This is a huge year for him and he better represent, especially in the playoffs.)

Then, there is Cole Hamels. Is there any doubt that Cole is going for 20 wins this year? Matt Freaking Cain just got 20 mills over five years from the San Francisco Giants. If Cole can put up two dimes in a walk year, he will be in the market for a summer home in Dubai. Plus, he will finally be able to afford that much-needed voice transplant surgery. Give him a voice like Brittney Griner's and you will have a man more feared then Stalin at this enemy-assassinating peak.

The major question is Worley. Was last year a fluke? Will opposing batters no longer be transfixed by his Mohawk-and-goggle routine, thus allowing them to concentrate on whaling his upper-80s fastball into the stratosphere? Will he suffer from the fact that he is no longer going up against the other team’s fifth starter every outing? Oh wait, he was usually going up against the fourth starter last year since Roy Oswalt spent most of the season clearing brush below the Mason-Dixon Line. Anyway, as I have said, I am a fan of Worley’s. I like his moxie. I like his competitiveness. I like the way he storms off the mound after a big strikeout. I like the way his curveball drops off the table when it is really on. I like the way he is always talking to the one fellow of Asian descent in the dugout (I don’t know who he is; a trainer or something?). And most importantly, I like the way he “hides the ball.” Actually, I have no idea what “hides the ball” means. But I am going to put him down for 16 wins anyway.

Is this year’s offense going to be a feared juggernaut? Clearly not. This being said, I do not believe they are without strengths and I fully believe that they will – while frustrating us often with their inability to get two or three guys to cross the plate – squeeze out enough runs to keep the win column fully stocked. This year, we get a full season of Hunter Pence. He’s got two years before he can go on the free agent market for the contract that will set him up for life, like the bearded bozo who currently plays for the Washington Nationals. Something tells me he will work extra hard to transfer some of the fireworks he sets off during batting practice to the part of the day that actually counts. Shane Victorino and Jimmy Rollins will continue to be Shane Victorino and Jimmy Rollins. In other words, they will come up with some big hits when they are not popping up to the second basemen while swinging at a first-pitch fastball at their eyebrows.

I know that John Mayberry has struggled. But I fully believe he will bounce back during the summer months and make very decent strides toward becoming a passable major league starting outfielder. Why do I believe this? Duh! The ball retrievers in Clearwater were actually Hooters girls in tight white halters and orange Lycra short shorts. You wouldn’t be concentrating on squaring up the barrel either. At least not in that way.

There is also the fact that, although you may not believe it based on the average Phillies fan’s level of hysteria, Ryan Howard and Chase Utley are not in fact dead as Osama bin Laden’s shark-bait corpse. No, they will return at some point and offer some offensive stats, no matter how meager and unworthy-of-their-salary they may be.

And finally, I make these three statements and I will completely stand by them:
1) Juan Pierre will revive his career by stealing 70 bags as the Phillies part-time leadoff hitter.

2) Tyjimlaynce Nixinthome will combine to hit 40 home runs and drive in 100 ribbies as sluggers off the pine.

3) Freddy Galvis will launch his future Hall of Fame career by smacking 30 doubles and exhibiting the grace of a young Fred Astaire while manning the middle of the infield on both sides of the bag.

Now that I have gotten that out of my system, please hold on for an hour while I allow the Ecstasy I imbibed 15 minutes ago to suitably wear off.

(60 minutes later)

Wow, the lights look soooooooo briiiiiiiight! And that 300-pound lady looks soooooooo beauuuuuuutiful! Anybody got any old Paul Oakenfold records I can dance to while looking like a crazed Tourette’s victim?

(240 more minutes later)

Phewww, why am I so sweaty? OK, what was I saying? Right. I think the hitting will be decent enough to win the Phillies a very respectable number of games. The bullpen may not thrill me, but it isn’t going to be flushing games down the toilet like cocaine when the cops show up either. Chad Qualls will serve as a perfect innings-eater on the nights when Joe Blanton pitches. When we have non-scrubs toeing the rubber, you most likely will only need three pitchers at most. Once fully healthy, Michael Stutes will build on a solid 2011 campaign that saw him fading down the stretch. Antonio Bastardo also saw his game lilting as the season went on last year, but I love his stuff when he is on. Maybe I am crazy, but if Jose Contreras can get healthy, there is no one I would rather give the ball to face a tough righty (Ok, terrible cliché there; I would rather give it to Tim Lincecum or the Hideo Nomo of my childhood, but you get the point). And then of course, you have the closer. Jonathan Papelbon! He wasn’t paid 50 million to blow games. Get the ball in his hands up one run and you might as well put it in the books. (Oh wait, he blew a save against the Orioles in game 162 last year, costing the Red Sox a playoff berth. Gulp. That’s OK though. He probably had a Chik-Fil-A Spicy Chicken Deluxe going cold in the clubhouse.)

Before I close, a word about the National League East: The Miami Marlins have picked up some big-time pieces. Jose Reyes. Mark Buehrle. Loud-mouth manager Jose Guillen. Add that to already-in-place studs like Josh Johnson, Hanley Ramirez, and whatever Mike Stanton is calling himself these days, and you have one heck of a roster. But there are also serious egos there. They will take time to mesh (if they ever do). When was the last time Jose Reyes helped a team win anything? Also, I have checked the books and no team has ever won a division while playing in a stadium that looks like something Frank Lloyd Wright would have vomited up while late-night-partying with Ricky Martin in Havana.

How about the Washington Nationals? They have quietly amassed some serious talent. On the mound, they boast two big-time arms in Stephen Strasburg and Gio Gonzalez. If he stays healthy after Tommy John surgery, count on Strasburg for big strikeout numbers, 17-18 wins, and a heaping helping of ballpark electricity. They also have an intriguing mix of established talent (Ryan Zimmerman, Xavier Nady, Michael Morse) and young ballers on the make (Wilson Ramos, Danny Espinosa, Ian Desmond). Still, something tells me that these guys are still a year away from legitimate contention. Something also tells me that Jayson Werth will continue to suck like a Beltway hooker offering a special two-for-one deal for publicly uptight yet privately hedonistic Republican slimeball hypocrites.

Finally, there’s the Atlanta Braves and the New York Mets. When you talk about these teams…oh, forget it. These teams aren’t worth talking about. Chipper Jones and Tim Hudson are on the way to the scrap heap and the Mets hold about as much significance as the pile of fecal matter I scraped off my shoe after taking my dog on a leash-restrained sojourn last night. That’s right. The bastard made me wear a leash.

So there you have it. The Phillies forecast for 2012. A lack of runs, a large amount of wins, and a veritable motherlode of angst. As Hunter S. Thompson would say, “Buy the ticket. Take the ride…”*

*…and enjoy a second-round playoff departure. Sorry. We have Pete Orr on our team. You have to be realistic.
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The Pizza Project
Just a nibble: http://twitter.com/ThePizzaProject
Single slice: http://www.facebook.com/ThePizzaProject
The full pie: http://thepizzaproject.blogspot.com/

Tale of the Pie: Vic & Dean's

Located as it is at the end of a seeming dead end at the edge of a park in Wayne, Pa., Vic & Dean’s is not the easiest pizza shop to find. However, once you get a taste of their pizza, you will discover that any effort you put into arriving at the establishment’s doors will be justly rewarded.

Vic & Dean’s is a rather small, quaint place. Décor is at a minimum, with decorations being limited to either Phillies memorabilia (a lot of pizza places like the Phillies, I guess) or kudos from various regional publications. There are maybe four or five tables inside, most of which were in constant use during our stay. The eight or so people behind the counter (it seemed like a little much, but it resulted in wonderful service) were busy answering phones for take-out and there was also a delivery man coming in and out on a regular basis. The place was obviously popular.

We started our meal with a salad, or, as Vic & Dean’s would call it, a Pizalad. To be honest, the name is a bit of a tease. When we ordered it, we thought we would be getting a salad on a pizza crust. Would that be way too much food? Probably. But it would also be unique and we just had to see what it would look like. When it emerged, it was nothing like we imagined. It was a sizeable salad in a plastic container, and it came with about four slices of warm pizza crust. While we were bummed that the presentation did not match our expectations, there is no doubting that the salad itself was tremendous. We ordered a Caesar, which came with romaine, croutons, sharp provolone, and Caesar dressing (truth be told, it also came with egg, but I asked for it off since I’m not a fan). The cheese was flavorful, the Romaine fresh and crunchy, and the dressing rich and spicy. While it was ample, we easily knocked back the entire thing.

For the pie, we ordered a large with red and green roasted peppers. The pie’s crust was perfect; its texture was crisp, but not too rigid. It also had a buttery garlic taste that popped tremendously. It should be said there were parts toward the middle that became a little soggy due to the weight of the cheese and the toppings. It made folding a little difficult at times and it did get a little sloppy in parts as well.

As for the cheese, it was very flavorful and gooey. You could taste the freshness. Spicy Hawaiian, who is a bit more of a cheese aficionado than I am, stated that she believed it was not just mozzarella; that it was a blend of cheeses. She also liked that it was a decent amount of cheese, but that it didn’t take over the pie. It still worked well with the other elements.

We had heard great things about the establishment’s toppings from a publication that we really have to stop naming until they decide to buy advertising or something. Well, although we were bound by religious contract to not eat meat on this day, the peppers were outstanding. They were roasted exquisitely . They were not overdone. There was the ideal amount of charring and they tasted of olive oil. Also, there was plenty of them. Not one bite was taken that did not include a delicious bit of vegetation.

If there is one element of the pie that I would take slight issue with, it would be the sauce. It was a thick sauce that was going for authentic tomato flavor. There seemed to be not much in the way of sugar or extra seasonings. I can respect that. This is not the case of a pizza establishment botching the number one element of the pie (in my view). They clearly have a philosophy about their sauce and they have most likely executed it to a tee. To me, it is simply that when you are boasting incredible toppings, zesty cheese, and an ideal crust, it is inevitable that a sauce this basic is going to fall into the background a bit. If I were to go back (and I hope to), I would probably order extra sauce. That way, the understated sauce would have a little bit more of a fighting chance against the other parts.

There is no doubt: Vic & Dean’s is a bit of a chore to get to. But do what it takes to get there. This is definitely an occasion where good things come to those who program their GPSs.
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Pros: Tasty, perfectly prepared toppings, flavorful, fresh cheese; crust has great texture and olive oil taste
Cons: Sauce has tendency to fall into the background a little bit; really need to get some truth in advertising going for that salad
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Vic & Dean’s

409 N. Wayne Ave.
Wayne, PA 19087

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The Pizza Project
Just a nibble: http://twitter.com/ThePizzaProject
Single slice: http://www.facebook.com/ThePizzaProject
The full pie: http://thepizzaproject.blogspot.com/

When I Googled...

Seems to be alot of talk on the internets about the squirrel that keeps crashing the Phillies-Cardinals NLDS playoff. What's his deal? Is he a camera hog? A big POO-Holes fan? Did he not realize Oswalt was pitching last night, and what Oswalt could have done to him? Oh, and did you know, the squirrel is on Twitter and has 11,300 followers? (@BuschSquirrel) Seriously, he is!

So naturally this weeks "When I Googled..." post takes a look at what comes up when you search for "squirrel" Enjoy and bon appetit.

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The Pizza Project
Just a nibble: http://twitter.com/ThePizzaProject
Single slice: http://www.facebook.com/ThePizzaProject
The full pie: http://thepizzaproject.blogspot.com/

A Slightly Aimless Rant about...That Idiot Who Interfered on Hunter Pence's Home Run/Double/Out Today

2-2 ball game. Ryan Howard on first base. Hunter Pence at the plate. Pence lifts an opposite field shot to right field. Florida Marlins outfielder Whatshisname (Sorry, I don't know who the guy is, and why would I since he plays for a last-place team that draws 15 people to its home games?) jumps for the ball. Just as he approaches the ball, a pasty white guy with a massive beer gut and a hardly fitting Phillies jersey reaches over the field with his hat to try and "catch" the ball. He interferes with Outfielder McGee. The ball is ruled a double on the field. After protest by Marlins manager Jack McKeon, the umpires go to replay. Instead of a double that would have put runners on 2nd and 3rd in a tied contest, Pence is declared out and Ryan Howard is made to go back to first base. With everything settled on the field, the idiot in the stands goes back to drinking his 18th Bud Light of the day until the ushers come down and kick he and his equally foolhardy companion out of the got dam ballpark. After their departure, the stadium is declared to be containing less people than the average town in Cormac McCarthy's The Road.

A Slightly Aimless Rant about...Phillies Management

The people who run the Phillies have done an incredible job turning this team into probably the most respected team in the sport. They won a championship in 2008, and instead of taking the accomplishment as a chance to fall back into obscurity (figuring they had a decent grace period owed to them), they went ahead and made the moves that would assure them long-term dominance. The moves probably don’t need to be retraced since they have been talked about ad nauseum in the year’s since, but let’s do a quick version anyway: they went out to get Cliff Lee to try and repeat in 2009; they got rid of Lee, but went out and got a superior ace in Roy Halladay; they traded for Roy Oswalt when they realized how stupid it was to get rid of Lee; realizing that Oswalt was not quite enough to replace Lee, they simply said “F*ck it,” and went out and reacquired the lefty; satisfied with having the best rotation in baseball, but realizing that their team would struggle to score runs in the postseason without a competent right-handed bat, they went out and recalled Hunter Pence from their quadruple-A minor league affiliate, the Houston Astros. Bottom line is the Phillies have done what it has taken to build a franchise that is second to none.

Monthly Roundup: July's Top 5 Posts

My mom called us to be sure we didn't miss this

news segment. See the video at

http://thefw.com/bulldog-dragging-kiddie-pool-inside-home-video/

To close each month, we'll do a quick roundup of the top five not-to-miss posts. In a blog with so much fascinating content, it could be easy to miss one or two good posts.

Boy, it's hot out. And according to our readers (and bloggers), these July posts are just as hot as your a$$crack is approximately five seconds after you leave your air conditioned home/car/workplace.

•  Margate Posts - Headed down the shore? Don't pack your speedo until you check out our posts on Luciano Lamberti's Sunset Marina & Grill, Junior's Donuts and Dogs, and Mack & Manco Pizza Too.

Props Out: Ruben Amaro Jr.

Today, we are throwing some love in the direction of Philadelphia Phillies GM Ruben Amaro Jr. The dude done did it again. He detected a weakness on his team that could keep them from succeeding, and he went out and filled the hole. Two years ago, it was nabbing Cliff Lee from the Cleveland Indians. Last year, it was jacking Roy Oswalt from the "Happ-less" Houston Astros. This July 29 (amazingly, all three trades have happened on the same date), he went out and pried rightfielder Hunter Pence away from those same erstwhile Colt 45s (apparently the guy has an affinity for robbing former Phillies GM Ed Wade).

For the last week, as the trade deadline in Major League Baseball has approached, I have been telling anyone who would listen to me that the Phillies needed to go out and snag Pence (in fact, I feel stupid that I did not write it in these airwaves because I would have looked like a frigging genius). First of all, he immediately fills a hole in your lineup because of his right-handed bat (watch Ryan Howard's numbers go up now with proper protection). He is a guy who hits for a .308 average on a team where someone hitting .250 is a rarity. He plays right field proficiently and has a rocket for an arm. Anyone who has seen Dominic Brown out there (diving for balls awkwardly, throwing the ball all over the place, jogging after balls in the corner) over the last few months knows that you would not have wanted him prowling the outfield when the games really started to count.

Thirty Quick Thoughts on...the Philadelphia Phillies

1) At the halfway point of the season, the Phillies are 55-33, and in first place by three games, and the only thing I can say about that is...how? Chase Utley has been hurt. Shane Victorino has been hurt twice. Placido Polanco may be crippled for life...but he'll play in the All-Star Game. Roy Oswalt aggravated an injury trying to fight for the Confederacy a la Robert E. Lee. Three different closers have spent extended time on the disabled list. Every other game seems to feature the opposing pitcher throwing a no-hitter into the fifth. Meanwhile, the manager would never be accused of having a LaRussa-esque mind for strategy and innovation. Yet, here they are set to make another majestic October run. How can this be?

Props Out: Dude at the Phillies Game

Every once in a while, I like to hold a person up for scorn for the many ways they offend me without even knowing it. And, most likely, I will continue to do this.

Maybe even in my next post.

Still, a guy we were forced into cohabitating with in a social setting the other day did a very nice thing, so I am inventing a new post category in order to show him some love.

2011 Phillies Preview...After Reviewing Three Games

Yeah, I guess this isn't really a preview, huh? I did already see three games. Good thing, too! If I hadn't I probably would have been ringing the alarm bells along with everyone else!

CHASE UTLEY IS HURT!

DOMINIC BROWN BROKE HIS HAND!

BRAD LIDGE CAN'T THROW A BASEBALL!

JAYSON WERTH'S BEARD IS PLAYING FOR THE WASHINGTON LAUGHINGSTOCKS!

Yes, the reasons for concern were out there! But after watching three games, one thing is already clear:

Booze...in 50 Words or Less: Ayinger Celebrator Dopplebock

Ayinger Celebrator Dopplebock

Friends bought me one from our local bar a couple weeks ago. Drinking it now. This fine, powerful brew has sentimental value. Usually like to drink one to "celebrate" Phillies victories. Chase Utley doesn't have to have his leg amputated...yet. That's reason to "celebrate!" Love the cool horsey toy.