Sunday, September 4, 2011

Ten Things I'm Hating...RIGHT NOW!!!

1) The Greenpeace-type Organization's People Standing Outside My Bank's ATM - I go to the bank the other day and there are these moochers in green shirts trying to get people to sign up to save the whales or protect the seals or whatever their purpose was. This clearly isn't right. If someone is going to stop me on the street and beg me for money, I should be able to tell them I have none. I can't do this if these people are standing in front of a bank ATM. Getting money being the only reason I would be at such an establishment. This is a violation of a treasured social contract. You can beg for my money. And I can lie to you about having no money. I have to have that excuse in my back pocket, otherwise the whole process is off.

2) A-Holes Who Don't Clean Up After Their Dog's Bathroom Breaks - There I was the other day, out in the field enjoying a wonderful late summer day. Saucy Jr. was rolling around, laughing it up. I was thinking about what a lucky person I am. I approached him to pick him up and dust him off when what do I see? A dump that would impress a Saint Bernard chilling not five feet from his person. Ugh! Seriously, people who don't clean up their dog's poop should be forcibly strangled. After having been run over by a large all-terrain vehicle.

3) This Year's Season of Curb Your Enthusiasm - It isn't that it isn't good. It's been one of the best season's in recent memory. The one about the Palestinian chicken was classic, as was the one where Larry saves Ricky Gervais with a particularly hard loaf of Italian bread. The problem is that it is only ten episodes long. After just two months of viewing, HBO had to run the dreaded "only two episodes left" promo last week. This is depressing. If you can't write at least 13 episodes of a show, why even bother?

4) Some of Charlie Manuel's Managerial Decisions - The other night, he lets a clearly past-his-prime Roy Oswalt hit with the bases loaded in the sixth. The Phillies were up just two runs. The next half inning, Oswalt, of course, grooves a meatball to some stiff, who parks it to shorten the lead to 1. Then, although Oswalt was clearly out of gas for the night, Manuel sends him out the next inning just because he knew that he would look like an idiot if he didn't. Oswalt got in trouble and had to be pulled. It was stupid to let Oswalt hit with the bases loaded in that spot. It makes me worry about what Manuel is going to do when the games REALLY matter. You can get away with that nonsense against Florida in early September, but pull it against Milwaukee in October and it could flush the season. (By the way, if he pulls that loyalty mess, and starts Oswalt over Vance Worley in the playoffs, it will be a huge mistake.)

5) My Own Increasing Lack of Late-Night Stamina - Cracked a beer and turned on No Country for Old Men at 9 p.m. Saturday night. Fell asleep before Llewellyn Moss had even found the drug money.

6) Church Collection Envelopes - Man, I knew the church gave you envelopes in which you are supposed to place your donations. I didn't know those sumbitches were marked with the exact date so that the church treasury department could more closely monitor when and how much you are donating. My goodness! I realize there are people who believe that Jesus is a woman. However, the way those "gifts" are recorded, it would seem that the Lord is not only female, but an 80-year-old Italian woman living in South Philly.

7) The Current State of Hollywood Films - Was on Netflix the other day. Since it is September, I figured I would rent a 2011 flick so I can catch up on some of the movies that came out earlier this year. The best option I could come up with was that one where Mel Gibson walks around with a beaver puppet on his hand for the entirety of the film's running time. Something decent better come out soon or the Johnny Depp iguana movie might get nominated for a Best Picture Oscar.

8) The McDonald's Late-Night Menu - Seriously, you guys can't keep staying up until 3 a.m. I am pretty much able to fight off my Quarter Pounder cravings consistently at this point, but after five cold ones on a Friday night, the defenses are pretty weak. I'm trying to look sexy for a November beach wedding...and you guys are not helping.

9) Papa John's - Guys, I have given you props in the past for making a decent-enough big-box-store pizza. But the other day, we ordered a "Spicy Hawaiian," which features pepperoni, pineapples, and jalapenos...and you forgot the jalapenos. The wife is always looking for artillery in her quest to keep us from ordering your product. If you want to keep on handing her the bullets, feel free to repeat such inattention to detail.

10) Mandatory Car Inspections - I have never gotten the need for this: Either your car is a piece of sh*t or it's not. I'm not down with penalizing a guy driving a 2009 Jaguar because he hasn't gotten his wheels aligned in two years. However, if you see someone driving around with a muffler spewing smoke, feel free to pull them over and drop their beater in a deep swamp somewhere even if their car was OK'd by Rufus the Drunken Mechanic two days ago.

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