Friday, September 23, 2011

The Pizza Project Goes to the Movies...Well, Not Really!

Saucy loves to go to the movies. But he can't afford them anymore. So until someone starts paying us to do this sh*t, he is going to have to improvise. So here's this week's blind movie reviews.

MoneyballEven if you don't like baseball (who doesn't?) or nerdy statistics (who does?), you will love this movie. Why? First of all, it stars Brad Pitt, perhaps the most charismatic movie star in the world and one of the screen's most underrated great actors. Don't believe me? Check out The Tree of Life when it comes out on video. Or just watch Fight Club or 12 Monkeys again. Second, it is directed by Bennett Miller, who, while no means a household name, did direct Philip Seymour Hoffman (who is also in this movie) to an Oscar with 2005's Capote. I'm betting that he does a very good job with this material as well. Then there are the writers. The first version of the script was written by Steve Zaillian, who also had a hand in writing the modest indie hits, Gangs of New York and Schindler's List. When the makers of this film decided the piece needed a little touch-up, they went ahead and threw money at Aaron Sorkin, the guy who just won an Oscar for penning The Social Network. So yeah, the pedigrees here are quality. The only thing that could ruin this flick is the fact that it also stars Jonah Hill, also known as "the worst thing about every movie he has been in thus far in his career." However, early reviews have even been positive about his performance. Bank on it. This one is worth the 20 dollars you will pay for a large soda alone.

Taylor "Wolf Boy" Lautner in an action flick? He's got the abs, but before I buy him as a tough guy he is going to have to grow a couple strands on his sack. I heard the preview with my back turned to the TV and thought that Dakota Fanning was making her first 3-D, car-chase movie. By the way, this generic slop was directed by John Singleton, the guy who, once upon a time, sat behind the camera and birthed Boyz 'N the (mutha-flippin') Hood. That is some sad sh*t right there.

Killer Elite
Robert De Niro making his 28th sh*tty movie in a row. Clive Owen rocking a porn mustache and an expression that cleary states "I was in Gosford Park. What the f*ck happened to my career?" And Jason Statham...doing his best "Jason Statham in 15 other movies" impression. Jesus! Avoid this flick like you would a heart surgeon with a case of the alcoholic shakes.

Dolphin Tale
This one doesn't look good. First, you have Morgan Freeman slumming in family fare because a) Hollywood doesn't write roles for old people, b) Hollywood doesn't write roles for black people, and c) Hollywood DEFINITELY doesn't write roles for old, black people. Sh*t, man, I wouldn't be surprised to see dude show up in Tyler Perry's next urban monstrosity. Then you have Ashley Judd, who used to star in my secret fantasies on a daily basis, but now hasn't made a decent movie since, what, her five-minute role in Heat? What else? Harry Connick Jr. is your leading man! You know what that means. By the time he read the script it must have had 20 different sets of coffee stains on it. I'm betting Christian Slater may have used it to wipe his arse! And then there is Kris Kristofferson, who...wait, I thought that micky-ficky was six feet deep!? Let's be honest: Everything about this movie tells me that it is going to be...a surprisingly successful, heart-tugging winner! Dude, look, it's about a dolphin who loses her tail only to get it replaced by a prosthesis so she can learn to swim again. I love underdog stories. I love dolphins. And I definitely love stories about underdog dolphins. As long as Michael Vick doesn't show up in the third act to electrocute Flipper for losing in a dolphin acrobatics exhibition, there is no way the fam doesn't go home with a smile on its collective face.

See you next week when we review 50/50, Dream House, and more!

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