Monday, August 22, 2011

Top Fourteen Thoughts I Had While Out at Sapphire in Manayunk

1) Goodness gracious. F*ck am I doing in Manayunk?

2) "You know, I think I had a little too much Cosco beer at our friends' bridal shower before coming here. Maybe I'll just start off with a nice, refreshing wat...whoa, they have Stone IPA on the menu!?!?!?! I'll take six in a wine tub."

3) "I don't think I am in the mood for dancing tonight. Plus, I have a cold. Think I'm just going to go ahead and keep it a little chil...whoa, is this that "Friday" song by Katy Perry. Did I just do the Cabbage Patch?"

4) "I'm literally jumping up and down uncontrollably like a maniac right now. I don't even think I would know how to stop if I wanted to. There's some sort of brain/nervous system disconnect going on here. And this is to the Black Eyed Peas. Fergie,, the little black guy, and the long-haired dude of indeterminate origin. Even I want to punch myself in the face right now."

5) "Wow. Myself and my gaggle of 30+ year-old friends have literally shut down the dance floor right now. I wonder what this must look like to other people? Oh. There's a 22-year-old frat guy with rock-hard sculpted hair and button-up shirt buttoned down to his navel staring at us with his mouth agape as if he saw a wooly mammoth making its way to the mens' room. That must be what this looks like."

6) "If there isn't a website out there completely dedicated to the greatness that is white people dancing, someone needs to invent it. Note to self: Apply for copyright tomorrow."

7) "I feel like I haven't danced like this in years. Oh, that's just because I came up to get another Stone IPA and this joint's cleavage-entranced bartender has ignored me for so long it feels like it was decades ago that I first placed my credit card in the air."

8) "Wow, I really love dancing with my wif...oh my God! Is she dropping it like it's hot!? Please don't drop it like it's hot!!! Now I have to bend my knees! If I can't stand back up, I hope someone will be sober enough to carry me out."

9) "For Christ's sake, I hope that I am sober enough to not go up to the DJ and request a little "Everybody Everybody" by Black Box right now. If they think this dancefloor is looking old now, you might see the staff breaking out the defibrillators at that point."

10) (drinks another Stone IPA) "F*ck! The a$$hole DJ doesn't have "Everybody Everybody" by Black Box!?!?!?!?! Who doesn't have that? It was, like, the jam of the 90s!"

11) "Wow, there's this really strange guy over there just staring intensely at the dancefloor. Maybe I should send the wife over to see if he wants to come out and dance with us? Nah. Why stand in the way of his ultimate goal of treating the club like a rifle-strewn saloon circa turn-of-the-century Deadwood, South Dakota?"

12) "Must be getting late. Here I am, making out with my wife on a couch, and someone lifts my legs to dust-bust. How rude!"

13) "Did someone just turn the lights on? Or did that crazy, intense, non-dancing dude just begin lighting up the clizzub with buckshot? Please don't hit the Stone IPA!"

14) "Oh man, I'm not going to be able to drive...until October...2012."

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