Thursday, August 18, 2011

Pizza with Extra Literature: Some Pointed Observations on the ESPN Book

And now, a series of kneejerk reactions on ESPN personalities based on insights gleamed from the oral history book, Those Guys Have All the Fun: Inside the World of ESPN.

Jesus! The guy calls football highlights for a living, but to listen to the arrogant fiend go on and on about his own influence, you would think you were listening to Walter F*cking Cronkite.

The fool who gave this idiotic buffoon a platform for his nonsensical rantings should have been tarred and feathered in the public square. Although at least it got him out of the Philadelphia Inquirer.

This guy has always seemed like a really nice fellow. But now I have learned that he is a big fan of George W. Bush. So I don't really feel so bad making fun of his hair, which has looked like a dead raccoon fell onto his domepiece for the entirety of his broadcasting career.

Looking back on it, I really enjoyed this guy's irony-infused style of hosting even if it helped usher in a virtual litany of wannabe failed comics. Hard to believe that most of the shows he hosted started at 2 a.m. Was I really staying up that late to watch a guy make jokes over sports highlights? No wonder I never got laid.

Why did they ever let this idiot onto Sunday NFL Countdown?

Why did they ever let this idiot onto Monday Night Football?

Yes, all she ever wanted was to be taken seriously as a journalist! That's why she went on Dancing with the Stars and pranced around in skirts that were cut so high you could check out her belly-button lint.

I don't really know this guy too well, but I'm sure he is a grandiose, self-worshipping twit. They asked him one question in the entire book, and his answer went on for four pages.

I have to read more Deadspin. This guy used to be a pretty decent football analyst, and then one day he was gone. I had no idea he got canned for taking an impromptu Brett Favre photography class at a Happy Hour and showing his man-diwork to an intern. I've got to meet the lady that this move has ever worked on, by the way. I find it hard to believe that body part would shoot well, especially on a tiny camera screen.

I know one needs to take a bit of poetic license with these things, but in talking about College Gameday's importance to ESPN, our writers make the thing sound like it is 60 Minutes or something. It's a show with three guys chatting about college football with thousands of drunken frat kids hanging out behind them. Chill out, folks.

Who knew the nebbishy play-by-play man for Monday Night Football was not only a fairly garbage football announcer, but also a skeevy pervert who had to go for classes due to his tendency to force himself on women who had absolutely no interest in his questionable charms?

I have absolutely nothing bad to say about Dan Patrick.

Who knew that's top writer had such an incredible, borderline violent aversion to editing? Umm, his columns usually round out at about 8,000 words. I'm assuming everyone knew this.

Did you know that when he was first approached about the opportunity, ESPN's highest profile college basketball commentator had no interest in calling basketball games. He wanted to stay in coaching and remain as far away from a microphone as humanly possible. For every person who has listened to this guy verbally service Bob Knight and Mike Kryzsewski (sorry, too lazy to spell check right now) for the last 30 years and wanted to slit his or her wrist, let me say, I wish he had followed his first instinct.

Hearing about her struggle to make it in a male-dominated industry, I really feel bad about the way I perceived her when I was a kid. I thought she was horrible and I couldn't believe that ESPN wanted me to get my sports information from a woman. It just didn't seem right. Now that I am older, I realize what an incredibly sexist way of thinking that was. I am glad that ESPN helped lead the way for women to enter the sports broadcasting industry. I just wish it wasn't her. Because I still think she sucks.

You know, the guy who constantly called Jimmy Rollins "Jimmy Rawlings" wasn't even interviewed for this book. He probably refused to talk about his unceremonious dismissal from ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball. Why? For the same reason he was let go. The guy may have been a treasured member of the 1983 Phillies, but he was still an absolute tool.

I am glad that he won his battle with cancer. This being said, this guy was also horrible. "Booyah!" "See, what ha...happened was..." I will forever hear his catchphrases in my nightmares.

Who the f*ck is Brett Haber?

Keith. Olbermann. is. GOD!


  1. So I guess you're the Bill Simmons of our blog? ;-)

  2. I actually really enjoy bill simmons' work!