1. The Wind
Right now, I could go for just about anything else. Give me snow in the springtime. A torrential downpour? Why the hell not? Pretty soon, the heat will come and I will complain about that as well. But not as much as I do about the wind. I can't remember the last time I walked outside and it wasn't blowing at least 25 miles per hour. Maybe it just seems like that. But I have very delicate hair. I need this to stop.
How about this idiot? She tweeted that the recent destruction in Japan was not just an incredibly horrible natural phenomenon, but rather it was God getting back at the Japanese for bombing Pearl Harbor! 70 years ago, huh? I don't know what her religion is, but Cappie Pondexter's Messiah is one sadistic son of a bitch! Talk about a slow burn. And if you think that comment is stupid, that's nothing compared to her apology the next day, which stated that she had no idea her comments could be received as they were. How the hell is one supposed to receive "Sorry, Japanese folks, but your drowing in a tidal wave and then possibly getting incinerated in a nuclear explosion is only fair." And then you have the dopey football players, including Philadelphia Eagles fullback Leonard Weaver, who keep comparing their treatment of the NFL's owners to slavery. Yep. Getting sold for spices, shipped off to another country in chains while wallowing in the excrement and urine of thousands of your fellow unfortunate souls, and beaten to a pulp every day while working for free for some bigot of Southern antiquity is the same thing as getting paid millions to tote a ball made out of pigskin. Sounds about right. DOUCHE!
3. Rude, Inconsiderate Co-Workers
This isn't your house! Reset the microwave if you take your food out before it is done! Don't leave your sh*t at the printer for hours at a time, complicating other people's jobs! Fill up the soda fridge if you take the last one out! Clean your filthy Tupperware container when you are done noshing; don't leave it in the sink for your co-workers' mutual disgust! And for God's sake, don't make any item that smells like flounder in the shared kitchen! That ish is beyond stank!
4. The Baseball Gods
Please stop F'ing with my baseball team. The Phillies had a chance to establish history with the greatest pitching rotation in the history of the national pastime. Now I'm just hoping the batboy doesn't end up getting impaled in the most freakish broken bat accident the world has ever seen. This team is cursed. First, we discover that Chase Utley has the knees of an 80-year-old former hurdling prodigy. Then Placido Polanco picks up a fresh injury in the arm that he had surgery in just this offseason. Supposed phenom Dominic Brown breaks a bone in his hand getting the only hit he had all Spring Training. Who else? Brad Lidge has tendinitis in his throwing arm! That sounds promising for a closer on a team with no hitters! Still, all was supposed to be well because the rotation had yet to be touched. That is, until the other day, when Roy Oswalt got cracked in the back of the neck by a Manny Ramirez line drive. If I were Ryan Howard, I would try not to eat any of those Subway chicken teriyakis any time soon. With our luck, he would end up choking on it worse than he did when he left the bat on his shoulder for the final out of last year's World Series.
5. How Broke I Am
New albums have been released by PJ Harvey, The Strokes, Cut Copy, and (GASP!!!) Radiohead, and it has hardly merited a shrug in the Saucy household. Things have been so bad that I have been forced to live the hermit life with my 46-inch HDTV, endless six-packs of expensive beer, and my film collection of over 200 esteemed cinema classics. I'm telling you! I've got it rough over here.
Yes, I have heard it! I may not have the cash to cop the "newspaper edition" (whatever that is), but it is streaming all over the Internet, whether it be Rolling Stone's website, YouTube, or others. Here's the thing: I love it! It's Radiohead, after all. "Bloom" is intriguingly glitchy and sonically adventurous! "Lotus Flower" is one of their most groovetastic songs ever, with absolutely epic bass work by Colin Greenwood. The closer, "Separator," is tremendously catchy and almost Kraftwerkian in its repetitive yet never tiresome style. So what's the problem? It's only eight freaking songs. You make an album every four years at this point, gents. You need to hit me with at least ten songs. At least! Eight songs is like an extended EP! Give me one of those "Treefingers" soundscape joints. Maybe one of those jams where a dude talks in roboto voice for three minutes. F*ck, I'll take a Phil selway drum solo! Give me something!
7. Netflix Streaming
You don't even have to wait for the disc! As long as you are OK with not getting to see this movie you want to see, or this movie you want to see, or the third choice you don't really want to see, but are prepared to see as a last-ditch choice. However, if you are ready to watch this movie, the movie you wouldn't want to watch if the only movies left on the planet were Ryan Reynolds vehicles, then this is the option for you!
8. Homeless People with Dogs
I think we can all agree on this one! I'm all for the ethical treatment of homeless people. I always get pissed when I see the 5-0 giving them the literal bum's rush out of the train station and on to the cold street in the dead of winter. But if you can't take care of yourself you just shouldn't be able to have a canine. This is just common sense! And you are really uncool if you are one of these guys who makes me pay 50 cents if I want to pet your four-legged companion. Especially when you refuse to give the money back when the sour bastard bites my outstretched hand!
So freaking dumb and cynical. The NBA has teams with major Latino fan bases wearing Spanish-language jerseys to milk said Latino fans out of their mone...uh, further the connection these NBA teams have with their Latino fans. So instead of "Lakers" on the Lakers' jerseys, it now says "Los Lakers." Instead of Heat on the Heat players' jerseys, it now says "El Heat." Let's call this what it is: possibly the worst example of pandering to the demographics since the inception of professional sport. If the NBA really wants the "Nueva York" Knicks to reach out to their Latino fans, maybe they should stop worrying about changing the name on the jersey, and have the folks who run Madison Square Garden cease charging hundreds of bucks for tickets in the lower bowl. Maybe then, an hombre could take his hermano to a game without having to open up another mortgage on their casa.
10. The Price of Gas
Any chance y'all heads in the Middle East could chill for a minute and quit rising up against your local oppressive dictator? A brotha needs to fill his tank every once in a while. And our troops need a rest.
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