Friday, October 7, 2011

Ten Things I’m Hating…RIGHT NOW!!!

1) Poor Bathroom Manners – I have touched on this before, but humor me for a minute for a story that will make your skin crawl: Today, I entered the hopper for an intimate moment. Only I was not able to sit down immediately for the person before me had pissed all over the seat. This is not really cool, but I have dealt with it before! I could just rip off a piece of paper, give the seat a wipe down, and pray that I do not catch any communicable diseases. It’s all good. One problem: the piss had dried!!! It had morphed into a sort of yellowish crusty layer of filth. I had to step back out of the stall, wet down a piece of paper, scrub down the urine crust with an unusual amount of elbow grease, and grab a dry paper towel to wipe down the moisture still residing on the seat. That is a lot of effort to have to go through due to another man’s lack of aim. The thing is I don’t have a problem with standing up in a stall to take a pee. It is, in fact, my preferred method of urine evacuation. However, if you are going to do it, lift the seat first, and if you should manage to get some residual fluids on the bowl, have the courtesy to wipe that sh*t off. Who knows? The next man might have diarrhea.

2) The Whole CD Pre-Order Thing – I’m currently streaming the new Bjork album, Biophilia, on in advance of my receiving it via Amazon on its official release date of Oct. 11. It is weird, strange, skittish, odd, kinda wacko, and unlike anything you will hear from a major release for the rest of the year. In other words, it is a typical Bjork album. I could say it is better than this one, or not as good as this one, but they are all pretty much four-star albums in my opinion so I will save it for the eventual longer review. Here is my point: I ordered the damn album. I know it is chilling in the Amazon warehouse. Why are they making me wait for the stupid release date? Just send the thing out already! I’m not going to tell anyone, dude in the Amazon warehouse who looks at Hustler mag when things aren't too busy. Send me the CD now!

3) People Always Ruining Everything!!!! – The Phillies need our help! They are tied 2-2 in the NLCS with the Cardinals, facing a home game with Roy FREAKING Halladay on the mound, so obviously they are in harrowing shape. To show support for the team, I organized a “Wear Your Phillies” shirt day at my work. Everybody gets a day to wear jeans, a T-shirt, and just generally feel unencumbered by office rules and mores. But then someone gets the idea of taking a photo that we can then post on our office Facebook page for our many "fans." So now I get to go to a spot in the office with a bunch of other people and take a dumb picture. The whole thing begins to feel like a bunch of sheep dressing up in matching outfits to show the outside world how incredibly HAPPY they are to be working for such a wonderful organization. I briskly escaped to a hidden spot in the building (OK, the urine-soaked bowl) until the photo was taken. Now I curse my own idea, what with it having been trashed by opportunistic, corporate ne’er-do-wells!

4) The Wait – By the way, this Phillies game needs to hurry up and get here. An 8:30 start time? On the East Coast? That sh*t is just sadistic.

5) The Thought of the St. Louis Cardinals Going Apesh*t on the Citizens Bank Park Mound Tonight if They Should Win – THEY ARE NOT GOING TO! But if they do, I will be homicidal. Can you imagine Craig Sager? “Tony LaRussa, how were you able to push all of the right buttons throughout this series, such as when you pitched Chris Carpenter on short rest or walked hapless Carlos Ruiz to pitch to Ben Francisco, who then hit a home run?” “David Freese, what does it feel like to be more hated in Philly than Cody Ross?” “Chris Carpenter, you were so spectacular tonight in slaying your great friend and mentor Roy Halladay? Do you mind if I fellate you right now in front of all these vitriol-spewing fans?” Jesus! If that happens, I can only pray I have already passed out from beer consumption! Otherwise, cars will be summarily looted and burnt to a crisp.

6) The “Do You Offer the Old Lady the Seat on the Train” Dilemma – I want to offer the old lady the seat, but then if I do they might just think I am looking at them pitiously and deciding that they are too aged and decrepit to withstand a 45-minute journey on a train while standing on two feet. But then, when I don’t offer the seat, I always feel like a dude who is eating a five-course Thanksgiving feast in front of Chet the Homeless Man. What to do? Well, when in doubt, I always fall back on the decision that makes me most comfortable physically. So, sorry Mrs. Septuagenarian, I’ll hope for a bump-free ride or a break-free landing for your assorted hips and femurs should you be tossed hither thither by the treacherous landscape.

7) Idiots Who Compare Obama to Hitler – The latest is the dopey Hank Williams Jr., who, on Fox News, likened the Prez and John Boehner playing golf together to noted mass murderer Adolf Hitler hanging out with Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu. As a result, ESPN dumped his “Are you ready for some football?” song from their Monday Night Football telecast. Basically, the redneck’s only claim to fame flushed down the toilet because the fool doesn’t know when to shut the hell up. A few quick truths: a) I am very disappointed by the job Obama has done since attaining the Presidency, but I don't know about the wisdom of comparing him to a madman who exterminated millions of Jews; b) I really don’t think ol' Hank should have had his song dropped simply because he made a ridiculous comparison; and c) This being said, I don’t really care that it did get dropped because the guy really shouldn’t think that anyone cares about his "political analysis" because he can wail a ditty that only matters to beer-soaked buffoons who enjoy watching men throttle each other into early senility. Sorry, Hank! Don't let the swinging door hit you in the Levi's on your way out of the saloon, Pahtnuh!

8) The Netflix Lag – The wife really wants to see this flick Bridesmaids (I am pretty intrigued to see it as well), only it isn’t available on Netflix until October 18. The thing came out on DVD on September 20! What’s the hold-up? I guess we could pay to watch the thing On Demand, but then what would be the point of the Netflix subscription? So...we wait. Now that they have caused Blockbuster to close all of their stores, Netflix needs to get their shizz together and get movies out faster.

9) My Body After a Night of Playing Basketball – Seriously, bro, I feel like Ken Watanabe when Leo comes to rescue his azz in Inception right now. People are starting to get alarmed by my ankle pops. Not cool.

10) What Turkey Sausage Has Done to My Tastebuds – The other day, the wife made me real sausage for my birthday. I actually thought it tasted funny. Real men should enjoy sausage! It’s an alarming development, that’s all I’m saying. I may have to get back to devouring artery-clogging delights on a more frequent basis.

The Pizza Project
Just a nibble:
Single slice:
The full pie:

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