Saturday, October 15, 2011

The Pizza Project Goes to the Movies...Well, Not Really

Saucy loves to go to the movies. But he can't afford them anymore. So until someone starts paying us to do this sh*t, he is going to have to improvise. So here's this week's blind movie reviews.
The Thing
This movie has already been remade once. But this time it is going to be different! Because Kurt Russell's character is a chick. And there will be better effects and more blood and stuff. Welcome to Hollywood in the year 2011! This movie will be horrible and mindless buffoons will love it. And it will be remade again in 2032. In 8D!!!!

FootlooseI don't think a flick could look worse on paper. A remake of a film that was already horrible starring dancers who couldn't act their way out of a paper bag if they were playing that freak from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Of course, one of the stars is Julianne Hough of Dancing with the Stars fame. So the thing will make millions! Because, you know, for some inexplicable reason people actually give a flying f*ck about Dancing with the Stars. Ugh! Kenny Loggins is probably rolling around in his career's grave.

The Big Year
The story is about three guys who compete in a contest to spot rare birds. Yes, a movie where you watch people bird watch! It is directed by David Frankel, the genius behind the film Marley & Me. The stars are Jack Black, who hasn't been effective in a film since, what, High Fidelity; Steve Martin, a man whose career probably peaked before most of today's moviegoers were born; and Owen Wilson, who for every quality performance he puts out there (Midnight in Paris) gives you two or three stinkers (Little Fockers, Hall Pass). Nobody is going to see this, and rightfully so.

The Skin I Live In
If you live in New York or Los Angeles (or don't mind trekking across state lines to see a film), you can go to an arthouse and check out this, the sixth collaboration between actor Antonio Banderas and acclaimed Spanish director Pedro Almodovar. I don't know a ton about this one, which surrounds a psychologically bruised plastic surgeon who creates an artificial skin that can withstand any manner of damage, but if it is anything like past collabs Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown or Tie Me Up! Tie Me Down!, it is sure to create sparks! (Seriously, I've never seen a film by Almodovar. It did make me feel really smart to pretend that I had though.)

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