Monday, May 2, 2011

Five Quick Thoughts on...the Death of Osama bin Laden

1) Yes, I know this is technically a site devoted to discovering the best pizza in the Norristown area. From time to time, we speak of other mild diversions, such as films, beer, CDs, or our dog's unfortunate eye boogies. But we made a pledge to stay away from the really serious matters. But I'm sorry: Osama bin Laden is dead, and I, Saucy McGillicuddy (do I have my own name spelled correctly?), need to talk about it! This will go down as one of the few "I remember where I was when that happened" moments in my life. In that pantheon, it joins the Challenger explosion (home for lunch from grade school), the O.J. Simpson verdict (my home in Cinnaminson, N.J., yelling at the TV for a reason I no longer remember or care about), the 2008 Phillies Game 5 World Series clincing victory (Elephant & Castle in Philly for rainy Part 1; Chap's Taproom in Norristown for frigid Part 2), Yao Ming's first playoff victory (The Whitpain Tavern in Blue Bell), the first time an injury ended Yao Ming's season (in front of my TV eating nachos and drinking fine suds), the next 15 times an injury ended Yao Ming's season (still in front of my TV eating nachos and drinking fine suds), the attacks of September 11, 2001 (working at Rosenbluth International in Philly; I still remember turning down attractive ladies asking for rides out of the city because I thought they might be terrorists in disguise), Hurricane Katrina (on my honeymoon in Hawaii), the inauguration of President Barack Obama (I was so happy to see George Bush sent into retirement that I spilled soy sauce on a co-worker's leg at an informal lunch gathering in our Boardroom), and now finally the death of Osama bin Laden (watching a Phillies game where our anemic offense somehow managed to blow the game despite a one-run outing by Cliff Lee). This is serious stuff!

2) I just had a full schpiel written up about what I thought about the actions of the Phillies fans at the game when they got the news of Osama's death. It was riveting stuff. It included my immediate reaction to their "U.S.A." chant, my thoughts on the "U.S.A" chant as it pertains to the indication of patriotism, my thoughts on the act of "celebrating" another person's death (no matter how disgusting the person), and my thoughts on what would have made for an interesting alternative reaction to the news. But then I accidentally deleted it. And I'm not writing it again from scratch. So I'll cut to the Chase Utley: Big ups to the "U.S.A."-chanting Phillies fans in attendance for an incredible, goosebump-inducing moment. And, oh yes, Blogspot, your accident recovery system blows!

3) Let's talk about the coward that is Osama bin Laden: He kills thousands of Americans via projectile jumbo jet (along with many other acts of terror throughout his pathetic existence). He makes his silly-azz terrorist videos in a "cave", the ones with the amateur-porn-level production value and the ceaseless threats of impending doom. He brainwashes Muslim men to their deaths with dreams of countless virgins, eternal martyrdom, and imperialist retribution. And how does this "hero" choose to go out when the authorities break down the door? Instead of taking the courteous way out and offing himself (you've got to give it to him: at least Hitler had manners when the last domino was falling), he takes one of his wives hostage and tries to escape using her as a human shield. Come on, bro! Unless her burqa was made of Kevlar, you had to know that wasn't ending well.

4) There's been more than one person I've heard who wondered whether we should have given bin Laden the burial that is customary of his Muslim faith. And to that I say, OF COURSE! Why would we want to piss off the fundamentalist Muslim population? All we need is for some oppressed young men in the Middle East to see us pissing on Osama's faith right now. Sure, let's give him a V.I. Lenin style resting spot on the National Mall, where passersby can shoot paintballs and snot rockets at the casket. Better yet, how about the Mussolini treatment? Just tie him up to one of the cars from Fast and Furious Five and take the corpse for a ride? Or maybe repeat the Saddam spectacle where he is noosed up and yelled at by his detractors, only this time he wouldn't be able to yell back at them because he is already, you know, dead. Al Qaeda cells drunk on revenge would be showing up faster than simpletons with idiotic hats at a Royal Wedding viewing party. No, it is common sense. Honor the Muslim people of the world (including citizens of your own country, some of whom died in the towers on 9/11) by giving him the burial ritual of his faith. That includes the wise choice of dumping him in the ocean within one day of his passing. I am completely fine with long as he was dumped in shark-infested waters.

5) This could be such a unifying moment for this country ! The man who made all of our lives, whether you are Democrat or Republican, hell is gone from the Earth. No the threat of terrorism is not vanquished, but a major force of global havoc is no more and the organization called Al Qaeda, which had already been affected by wars on several fronts and the seemingly daily terminations of Osama's henchmen, has to be reeling. So it is time for this country to join each other in healing and realize what we can accomplish when we work together. HA! Yeah right! How long will it be until the desperate, sickening Republican Party (and its even more perverse tea party offshoot) meets to come up with a strategy to smear this accomplishment for Obama, who accomplished in two years what Bush could not do in seven? "Would this have been accomplished without Bush's war on terror and his approach to detainee questioning?" "Where are the photos? Can you really PROVE that he is dead?" "What are we going to do about Pakistan? Don't you think it is time that we had another war popping off in the Middle East?" "When are you going to show your birth certificate? Oh, you did? I think it's fake!!!" It's just a matter of time before the Republican freaks come back out of the woodwork? So enjoy it while you can. Because with the blood-soaked passing of Osama bin Laden, our long national nightmare is not only over. It is 20,000 leagues under the sea.

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