Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Freezer Case: Open Nature Uncured Pepperoni Pizza

Wednesdays are a rough day for me. I go to work, put in a hard day's labor, and, when I return to the homefront, I am handed a kid and Spicy sets off to gallivanting about town (actually, it's just a pilates class). Since I am inept in the culinary department, this means that I do not get to eat until at least 8 p.m. Factor in the time for a Saucy Jr. bath if the need happens to fall on one of these days, and by the time I am set to dine on Hump Day, I can eat just about anything.

However, if given the option, I would prefer that I not be asked to eat an "Open Nature" frozen pizza.

The pie I ate tonight was pretty dreadful. Distributed by Lucerne Foods Inc. of Pleasanton, California, this frozen pizza is anything but pleasant. First of all, I found out after the first bite that the wife tried to sneak a wheat crust by me (oh sorry, MULTIGRAIN; there's a difference apparently, although sh*tty taste is something that the two varietals definitely have in common). Even though the crust was thin - probably too thin for a regular frozen - it was not enough to masquerade the sickening taste of wheat in a pizza.

Thankfully, the sauce applied to the pie was ample. However, it was indistinct and only worked on the level of lubrication. Yes, it pretty much just served as a conduit toward forcing the creation down one's throat.

Finishing out the pie's ingredients, the cheese was pretty much tasteless and clumpy. The pepperoni, while not a revelation, was servicable. Still, it was not enough to salvage what was a fairly dismal dining experience. The wife, who actually said that she enjoyed the pizza, was instructed that this monstrosity goes on the "Do Not Buy" list going forward. Her punishment if she does not follow these orders: I will withhold "my lovin'" from her for at least a month! (Yes, I fully expect her to buy a freezer full of these the next time she goes to the ol' Genuardi's.)


  1. cardboard must taste better than this pizza's crust... never again!