Then I had kids. And I realized I would be spending a lot more time at home. Suddenly, fantasy basketball seemed like a pretty good option. I am now in my second year of playing and I have really enjoyed myself. Except for the fact that I hate it and I will never play again! That's right! I'm retiring!
Why? Well, let me tell you. I guess it wasn't enough that these guys sat out for a good couple months due to a lockout only to come back after getting pretty much nothing about the NBA improved. Apparently, none of these guys worked on their game or even bothered to stay in shape. Let's take my team for example. F*cking Dirk Nowitzki! When it came time for my league's draft, the guy was sliding down the board like a game piece whose handler sucked at Candy Land. Seriously, I'm rolling into the fifth round and there he is! Dirk Nowitzki! The peerless worker! The impeccable shooter! The one-time MVP! The DEFENDING WORLD F*CKING CHAMPION! I had the opportunity to take either him or Monta Ellis, a guy who a) was also sliding, b) had put in serious work for me the year before, c) was locked in a crowded backcourt with Stephen Curry and Dorell Wright (will get to him later), and d) seemed to be embroiled in some sort of sexual harassment case with a former Golden State Warriors employee. I took all of this into consideration and I decided to take Nowitzki, who I knew would come back balling despite his rising age and possible self-satisfaction. Well...that decision was wrong! DEAD F*CKING WRONG! Ellis has been balling! Nowitzki? This Kraut is currently sitting out games because of...CONDITIONING!!! Apparently, after winning the NBA Championship in 2011, he spent the entire offseason on a serious f*ck-you tour, never missing an Oktoberfest event and eating Deutschland out of bratwurst. Thanks, douche!
Then you have the case of Eric Gordon. I had very solid reasoning for picking this guy up. He was traded in a deal for Chris Paul this offseason, when that little baby whined his azz out of deal in New Orleans. I figured the former Indiana University guard would a) be motivated to show that he should not have been traded from the Los Angeles Clippers and b) would get plenty of opportunity to show his wares since he would be the alpha dog in New Orleans' limited rotation. He played OK in a couple games before going out with a slight knee issue. I figured he would put some ice on that jawn and be back to balling in no time. I was mistaken. Despite the fact that the knee shows no tear or break or anything resembling a long-term injury, this clown has been relegated to the status of Armani suit model for the last 15 games! For what is basically, in the nomenclature of the American toddler, a "hurtey knee." Wow!
How about the aforementioned Dorell Wright? Or as I like to call him "Dorell Wrong." Every time I watched this guy play last year, he was lighting it up. Was he a tremendous defensive player? No. But on the offensive end, he represented. He was knocking down threes from all parts of the court. He was running the wings in Golden St.'s run-and-gun offense, hustling for easy layups. Playing small forward, he was using his long, slender frame to work the boards. Basically, he came out of nowhere to get a good 45-50 fantasy points tonight. He was a really useful player. This year? The guy has been about as useful as genitalia to a mannequin. He can't shoot. He doesn't rebound. He doesn't defend. He doesn't pass well because why would you ever give a guy this pathetic the ball in the first place? He has been an absolute bust (so much so that I sent his azz packing yesterday for Ersan Ilyasova, a white European whose only discernable skill to my eye is looking like he fell out the ugly tree, hit every branch on the way down, and knocked out a few acorns on the way down so that a whole other ugly tree would take root). Dorell Wright, you deserve an extra "f*ck you!" Please retire and go back to banging models or whatever you were doing this offseason when you should have been working on your stroke from behind the arc.
I can see this post is getting a little long, so let's just go rapid fire with a couple other players (and coaches) on my roster who are quickly turning my 2-0 start into a slide toward horrible ignominy.
Rodney Stuckey - This one's on me. Why would I ever draft someone so incredibly nondescript? This being said, it would be nice if he'd score every once in a while. Or pass, since he's a point guard. Or, you know, at least be present on the court more than every other game. The way he's milking this hamstring injury, you'd think he was one of the Normandy beach extras who got their limbs detached from their bodies in Spielberg's Saving Private Ryan.
Scott Brooks - Dude, the Oklahoma City Thunder are a good team. You don't want to mess with team chemistry. I hear you. But Thabo Sefolosha should not be starting over James Harden. That's just stupid. Send that Frenchman out for some foie gras and when he gets back tell him to find a seat at the end of the bench.
Jose Calderon - Oh right, I can't hate on him at all. I had him on my team and then dumped all of his beautiful assists by accident while drunk up on suds and watching Crazy, Stupid, Love. That was just asinine. Yes. The end of the movie and the transaction.
Carmelo Anthony - Here's the scenario: I'm playing one of my closest buddies in a head-to-head contest this week. He's kicking my azz right now, but it is all good. I have 23 games left in the week. He has 19. He has a ton of guys hurt. I am down 200+ points, but I have a very good chance at coming back. After all, not only do I have the game discrepancy, but I have Carmelo Anthony, one of the game's premier scorers, going up against the Miami Heat tonight. Do you know how motivated Anthony gets to play LeBron James? I'm banking on him to score 40 tonight. Maybe grab 10 boards. He will be so on fire that the Heat will bring double teams, meaning he will rack up five assists just tossing it to open shooters. That's 70 points right there, not even counting threes, steals, and blocks. Oh, one problem: Carmelo Anthony has a sore wrist. So he is taking the night off. As well as tomorrow night's contest against the Houston Rockets. With him sitting, I am pretty much guaranteed a) a loss, b) a very public tongue-lashing from my friend, and c) a cash output in the $20 range for two six-packs of sophisticated beer.
There are others I could rag on: the eternally underachieving Nene, the often-enticing, often disappearing Paul George, Darren "WHY THE F*CK DIDN'T I DUMP YOU INSTEAD OF CALDERON" Collison. But instead, to my entire team, I offer a very heartfelt and sincere flip of the bird! Thanks a lot, buttmunches, you have ran me out of the world of fantasy basketball (until my buddy asks me to play next year)!