The Freezer Case: Newman's Own

The Pizza Project is mostly devoted to deciphering the best pizza shops in the Norristown (and surrounding) area, but we will not ignore the frozen genre. This special section, The Freezer Case, will seek to identify the best pizzas that you can buy at your local supermarket.

Toward the end of his career, the legendary actor and philanthropist Paul Newman made a film by the name of Road to Perdition. The film starred not only Newman, but two-time Oscar winner Tom Hanks and several-time Oscar nominee Jude Law. It was directed by Oscar winner (for American Beauty) Sam Mendes. The shooting was done by another great of the cinema, Conrad Hall, who won Oscars not only for Perdition, but for Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid and American Beauty as well. In other words, there was a lot of talent involved in the film. However, when I watched the film, I admired it for the craftsmen involved, but, in the end, it didn't really satisfy. The whole did not equal the sum of its parts.

Well, the pizza I ate tonight, Newman's Own Thin & Crispy (with uncured pepperoni), was kind of like the Road to Perdition of frozen pies. You really would have thought the final review would be spectacular, but it left me thinking, "Wha' happen'?" First of all, it had an ample amount of pepperoni. It was thick and flavorful, and slightly spicy. Quite frankly, I don't know what "uncured" means, but it seemed to work for me. The sauce was also quite ample for a store-bought pie. I did not even have to use the extra cup of sauce that the wife puts out in a pre-emptive attempt to keep me from whining about sauce deprivation.

Still, even though the toppings were excellent and the sauce quite tasty and abundant, there was something missing. While I understand that this is listed as a "thin and crispy" pie on the box, it would seem that the makers took the "thin" to the next level. This is not simply a thin crust. This is a "Lara Flynn Boyle during the height of The Practice" crust. It is anemic. Practically nonexistent. As a result, the pie leaves you with the feeling that you will be eating again in approximately 29.87 minutes. Which is kind of annoying. Even the addition of some Trader Joe's macaroni balls did not satisfy my very manly appetite. I see chips and salsa in my very immediate future.

The truth is, the pie was very tasty. I would probably even recommend that my wife get it again. Only, I would tell her that she should buy two. Then I would most likely heat up both of those pies. And then I would pop in Newman's 1961 masterpiece The Hustler. Between the pie, the film, and the feeling I would get from helping starving kids in Africa or something just by making the purchase, it would be a very fulfilling night.

In the meantime, if you plan on eating a single Newman's Own Thin and Crispy pie and you need to drive someplace later, don't plan on a glass of wine with your meal. A choice such as this would surely result in the drunken throttling of a homeless man or other such unfortunate individual, which, when you think about it, is sort of the antithesis of the whole Newman's Own charitable ethos. Just sayin'.

Want to try Newman's Own (sans winetooth) for yourself? Coupons available for printing at http://www.newmansown.com/Coupons.aspx.