Monday, February 14, 2011

Tale of the Pie: Kosmos Pizza & Grill


There was a time when the calendar turning to Valentine's Day meant a number of things. First, it meant a romantic dinner at a fancy restaurant. And when I say "fancy," yes, I mean that I would take the seat that wasn't facing the basketball game. Valentine's Day called for those sorts of sacrifices. Second, it meant a nightcap at a bar of my lady's choosing. Even if the beer list had less than 50 sophisticated beers to choose from, I would walk through the doors without complaint...as long as the watresses were hot. Third, of course, is the lovin'. Valentine's Day definitely meant action was in the offing. I would tell you all about the business that would take place, but I am trying to keep this platform as PG as possible (of course, if you are willing to supply the number for a major credit card and pay $1.99 per minute, you may feel free to call my cell phone and I will tell you all about it in heavy-breathing fashion).

However, things have changed now. I have a kid. This means the fancy restaurant is out, as is the trip to a bar offering alcoholic delights (I think I may still be getting the action! WOOHOO!). Instead, the wife and I decided to stay home and order a pizza. And on this blustery evening, we chose to try Kosmos Pizza and Grill in Jeffersonville, PA (Jeffersonville, of course, being the name one uses for Norristown to let other people know that they don't live next to a thriving crack house). Honestly, I wasn't expecting much from Kosmos. First of all, they are named after Kramer from Seinfeld. I don't really think he was Italian. Then there is the fact that the logo on the flyer - a low-rent looking globe of the world (is this African pizza?) - looks like it was designed by a graphic designer who flunked out of community college.


Sometimes though, when you go into something with low expectations, you find yourself being mildly surprised with the quality of the product. Uh...this wasn't the case with Kosmos. Let's first start with some positives. The toppings were just the right amount. Not overwhelming. Not skimpy. No, the pepperoni we ordered was perfect. Unfortunately, that is the end of the positives. Yes, on to the slagging already!

The sauce seemed like it was going to be promising. It looked quite tasty. It was red and thick, not orange and runny, like many a pathetic pie of my past. The extra sauce they provided on request sat on top of the pie, but did not drown it and turn the delicassie into pizza soup. However, when the sauce hit my mouth, it was quite underwhelming. For a moment, I wondered if I had come down with a cold, such was the dearth of taste sensation. This insult was only magnified when I realized that these money-grubbing heathens charged the extra sauce as a topping. Sauce can NEVER be treated as a topping! This is a clear violation of pizzamaker etiquette!

Did I mention how much these budding capitalists charged for toppings? Yes, the extra sauce cost $2.25! The pepperoni was the same exorbitant fee! At those prices, we probably should have ordered mushrooms. Only if they didn't cause hallucinations of a naked Katy Perry riding a purple unicorn through a field of chocolate rhodadendrons, I probably would have been pretty angry.

I wonder what the owner of Kosmos spends more time doing: honing his pizza recipe or caring for his fleet of Rolls Royce's? Because this guy must really be rolling in the...dough (LOL! Get it?). After charging $4.50 for pepperoni and sauce, and a base price of $15.50 for a 14-inch pie, this Bush-voting charlatan had the unmitigated audacity to charge a $1.75 delivery fee. Meanwhile, the pie was delivered naked on a windy winter night. No warmer. Nah. Just a cardboard box delivered by a bearded fellow who looked like he might be suffering from a crippling marijuana habit. Seriously! I checked as soon as I closed the door to make sure we weren't missing a slice!

You will notice that I have not mentioned the crust. Perhaps, I am saving it until the end so I can discuss it as a sort of salvaging factor, something that Mr. Kosmos can build off of to restore his pie to Norristown pizza domination? Um...no. This was the worst part of a below-average pie. A crunchy mess. A flaky atrocity. I did not try it, but I'm fairly sure I would have needed the Jaws of Life to fold the less-than-sumptious triangle known as a Kosmos slice. My bulldog, who regularly gnaws on objects like rock-hard Nylabones, took one bite of the Kosmos crust and had to be rushed to the veterinarian for inspection of a shattered molar. He recovered from his ordeal, but, when he did, he told us we should ask for our money back because the pizza "tasted like shit, and I should know because I regularly eat my own shit."

So in the end, this is what we have to say about Kosmos Pizza & Grill: Bland sauce. Way too expensive. Comes to you cold via pot-junky delivery man. And, oh yeah, historically horrific crust, which my talking dog compared to his own feces. In the interest of full disclosure, I must say that the mozzarella sticks were a revelation with a delectable sauce. Maybe they can shut down and reopen as a mozzarella stick store? In any event, pizza is not this pizza shop's thing.
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5 Egypt Road
Jeffersonville, PA 19403
(610) 630-6711

Kosmos Pizza on Urbanspoon

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