Today, Philadelphia felt the tremors of a 5.8 earthquake that took place in Northern Virginia. The emotions I felt were swift and varied, and I have listed them here in stark detail. Discombobulation
"Wow, I feel faint. Why am I so out of balance? Are my co-workers' constant conversations about their latest pedicure or the most recent developments on their favorite reality show making me want to fall prostrate to the carpet...AGAIN?"
"Wow, I feel faint. Why am I so out of balance? Are my co-workers' constant conversations about their latest pedicure or the most recent developments on their favorite reality show making me want to fall prostrate to the carpet...AGAIN?"
Realization
"Oh no, I think it is a minor earthquake. I know because I felt a similar sensation one night while I was lying in bed. It struck me as odd immediately because since we have a kid it was the first time the bed had been rocking in weeks."
"Oh no, I think it is a minor earthquake. I know because I felt a similar sensation one night while I was lying in bed. It struck me as odd immediately because since we have a kid it was the first time the bed had been rocking in weeks."
Self-Doubt
"Wait, maybe it wasn't an earthquake. We have had a lot of construction going on at the building as of late. Maybe some randy construction worker accidentally toppled an I-bar or something while simultaneously staring at one of my co-worker's asses and swinging a sledgehammer?"
"Wait, maybe it wasn't an earthquake. We have had a lot of construction going on at the building as of late. Maybe some randy construction worker accidentally toppled an I-bar or something while simultaneously staring at one of my co-worker's asses and swinging a sledgehammer?"
Self-Assurance
"No, no, it had to be an earthquake. Hunter Pence says so!"
"No, no, it had to be an earthquake. Hunter Pence says so!"
Opportunism
"You know, this building is still sort of swaying a little bit. I could be going for a ride any minute now. I doubt the wife would mind if I propositioned one of my female co-workers at a time like this, right? Seems only fair."
"You know, this building is still sort of swaying a little bit. I could be going for a ride any minute now. I doubt the wife would mind if I propositioned one of my female co-workers at a time like this, right? Seems only fair."
Jealousy
"I can't believe I'm stuck inside this building right now and all those evacuees get to stand outside in the nice end-of-summer weather."
"I can't believe I'm stuck inside this building right now and all those evacuees get to stand outside in the nice end-of-summer weather."
Fear
"THERE ARE EVACUEES STANDING OUTSIDE AND I AM HERE STUCK INSIDE THIS BUILDING! ON THE 17TH FLOOR!!!!"
"THERE ARE EVACUEES STANDING OUTSIDE AND I AM HERE STUCK INSIDE THIS BUILDING! ON THE 17TH FLOOR!!!!"
Depression
"Oh my God! I may never again get to experience the taste of a freshly poured Stone IPA!!!!"
"Oh my God! I may never again get to experience the taste of a freshly poured Stone IPA!!!!"
Laughter
"Ha! I just noticed that my cubemate has been gone for like ten minutes! That means that he was sitting on the bowl when the earthquake hit. Wouldn't it be hilarious if he fell off or something? I can just see him holding on to the side of the bowl as if it were a bucking bronco or something! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Ha! I just noticed that my cubemate has been gone for like ten minutes! That means that he was sitting on the bowl when the earthquake hit. Wouldn't it be hilarious if he fell off or something? I can just see him holding on to the side of the bowl as if it were a bucking bronco or something! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Urgency
"Oh snap, I need to tweet about this to our rabid Twitter fans. How else would they get to find out about it? Oh. Maybe from the eleventy billion other people who tweeted about it!? Imagine if you got stuck in a crumbled building in an earthquake because you felt you needed to tweet about it first. That would be, like, ironic or something."
"Oh snap, I need to tweet about this to our rabid Twitter fans. How else would they get to find out about it? Oh. Maybe from the eleventy billion other people who tweeted about it!? Imagine if you got stuck in a crumbled building in an earthquake because you felt you needed to tweet about it first. That would be, like, ironic or something."
Annoyance
"Oh great, now all the people in my office are talking about this thing as if they survived the Chicago fire. Jesus, people it was just some minor tremors. Shut the f*ck up about it already!"
"Oh great, now all the people in my office are talking about this thing as if they survived the Chicago fire. Jesus, people it was just some minor tremors. Shut the f*ck up about it already!"
Concern
"I bet the wife felt this! I better call her to see if she is OK. Plus, I have to ask her if it is kosher to proposition a strange woman in the case of an aftershock."
"I bet the wife felt this! I better call her to see if she is OK. Plus, I have to ask her if it is kosher to proposition a strange woman in the case of an aftershock."
Acceptance
"Oh well. Haven't felt anything in a while. I guess I can put that "in case of death" get-out-of-jail free card back in my pocket. Maybe I should see if the wife wants to move to San Francisco?"
"Oh well. Haven't felt anything in a while. I guess I can put that "in case of death" get-out-of-jail free card back in my pocket. Maybe I should see if the wife wants to move to San Francisco?"
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