Top Ten Thoughts I Had While Sitting in a Hair Cuttery Getting My Hair Cut

1) Jeez, I totally wish I would have remembered the picture of Jake Gyllenhaal I use to show people how I want my haircut. They're never going to be able to get it right without a picture of the dude from Brokeback Mountain to show them the way!

2) Maybe I should request someone? There are like five people in here who have cut my hair before. When you go to a hairdresser and then don't request them the next time, I wonder if they go in the back in cry or if they throw darts at your picture or maybe a picture of Jake Gyllenhaal for being so unfortunate to be your hair role model?

3) Nah, I'm just going to take the first person available (pause). Oh wait, this is the first person available? Man, I totally should have requested that other one. She's way more attrative. It would have made the whole uncomfortable "Wow, her breast is accidentally brushing against my shoulder as she trims my cowlick" moment a lot more enjoyable.

4) You know, I don't understand why every time you go to get your haircut you have to talk to the person who is cutting your hair as if they were your long-lost cousin Sally. I think I am going to go sans talking this time. I think it would go a long way toward accomplishing full Gyllenhaal replication.

5) OK, she is not talking to me at all, and I am starting to get a little bit scared. Like, maybe the last time I came I didn't request her and she is angry about it. Maybe she is plotting an "impromptu" razor slip which would make a full mohawk my only acceptable hair option. I have to say something to break the ice here. Maybe the weather. No, too cliche. Maybe my kid? No, a little too personal. OK, I will talk about the Phillies. Everybody loves to talk about the Phillies.

6) This lady obviously has never watched a Phillies game in her life. I am going into default mode STAT: I will talk about the dog. Dogs are always good for pointless chit-chat.

7) Is it odd that I am cool talking about my dog, but not my kid? Like, am I one of these crazy psychos who values the dog more than the kid? No way, I love my kid! It is just that the dog is great too. He is practically a human with feelings and thoughts and stuff. And he gets so much less attention since the baby arrived! I don't have to be ashamed to go on about him and his bowel movements to a complete stranger. Nor do I have to be embarrassed that we cuddle together in bed every night even though my wife is a mere ten inches away...OK, that is ridiculous. I am going to stop talking about him now before I convince myself that I have some sort of sickening, cross-species man-crush on my dog.

8) Hmmm...she just asked me if I want a shampoo. I really don't need one since I just got a shower at home, which included a thorough washing of my mane. This being said, I think I will take the shampoo since I am married and this is therefore the most intimate contact I will have with a strange woman for the rest of my natural life.

9) Haircuts were so much more comfortable when I wore glasses. With contact lenses in, I am forced to stare in the mirror at myself for 45 minutes at a clip, which is not an enjoyable sight. Bags beneath my eyes. Patchy stubble beard that I delusionally think makes me look cool. Teeth that are a dentist's dream come true. Ugh! I can't stand to look at myself like this. I'm just going to close my eyes for the rest of this thing. Oh wait, can't do that. She might think that I am really, really, REALLY enjoying her breast on my shoulder.

10) Don't hit me with the product pitch. Don't hit me with the product pitch. Don't hit me with the product pitch...you know what, she didn't hit me with the product pitch. That's good! Nothing worse than someone trying to shill you some fancy hair gel while you have a table cloth wrapped around your Adam's apple. You know, she was a really nice lady! She didn't gab too much. She did a great job with my hair. And she was really attentive while I chatted lovingly about how hot my dog gets while he is watching the Phillies game with my kid. I see no reason why I shouldn't request her next time. Let me get her na...wow, did you see that chick with the tattoos. I bet she gives great shampoo!