Monday, April 9, 2012

Ten Things I'm Hating...RIGHT NOW!!!

1) FX’s OnDemand Policy – I missed Justified last Tuesday. “No problem! I’ll catch it on Thursday!” Wrong! For some inexplicable reason, the channel did not make the show available for OnDemand viewing for five days after the original airing. What good reason could there possibly be for making sure that people CAN’T see your programming?

2) My iPod Headphones – Steve Jobs did some wonderful things during his life. He redefined the way we can listen to and store our music. He was the genius behind Pixar, which contributed such great films as Up, Toy Story, and the ones with Larry the Cable Guy. He made black mock turtlenecks and acid-washed jeans cool (no he didn’t; he basically dressed like a douchenozzle 24/7). But if there is one thing he did that was really awesome, it was that he had his people design the perfect headphones. The ear bud is a model of perfection. Lately, I have bought two brands of headphones from different companies and let me say that the Sony variety emerges from the ears with the slightest of winds (the other one I have already forgotten after I realized that I was only getting audio out of one channel after five days of use). Next time I head to the store, I will be coughing up the bucks for a decent set. And no, I am not talking about the Dr. Dre ones that look like you are trying to land airplanes.

3) Pinterest - I have now accepted that people like to do a lot of time-wasting things to help the days pass sans introspection. Facebook. Twitter. Blogging. All fine. Heck, I’m guilty on all three counts! But Pinterest? Placing an image up in cyber-space so a bunch of people can type “Oh, I think that looks cool too?” This is the absolute height of vapidity. Until someone comes up with something worse, of course.

4) My Kid Wanting to be Carried While I’m Walking the Dog – My kid doesn’t really want to be carried very often. He would rather run around and tempt passing Range Rovers. He is just beyond two and yet he often behaves like an adolescent who thinks it is uncool to have his hand held. Unless I have my dog’s retractable leash in the other hand. Then he wants to be carried. Constantly. My dog weighs 75 pounds and goes apesh*t if another dog should so much as pee in his general direction. So you can imagine the back and arm strain that occurs when trying to pull a wild beast around while corralling a 35 pound child in your left arm. Add a bag full of steaming dog poo to the mix and you are talking about a comedy of errors waiting to happen.

5) My Inability to Get to the Netflix Movies We Have at Home – Seriously, I have had My Week with Marilyn at the house for three weeks now. It has Michelle Williams in it. She’s playing Marilyn Monroe. I think there's a scene in a bubble bath. Why am I not prioritizing this?

6) When Full Posts Get Deleted Accidentally – Don’t ask me how this is happening. I’m wrapping up the text. I’m doing the labels. I’m inserting the image. And…poof. It’s happened twice. One was a pizza review. One was an in-depth exploration of the film Hugo. It’s tough to explain the feelings that take over me when something like this occurs. Actually, no it isn’t. It makes me want to kill. In serial fashion.

7) People Who Get Up on the Train to Make You Sit in the Middle of a Three-Seater – Seriously, just move over! There’s no need to huff-and-puff, then make a big show of how you need to gather up all your stuff, then stand up and make a person get in the middle because you think the idea of sitting in the middle of two human beings on a SEPTA train is a fate worse than Mel Gibson's at the end of Braveheart. And it doesn’t matter where I’m “getting off.” I’ll stand for you, bro! It’s no problem. Although there is one thing that I do love about this scenario: Waiting for the person to huff-and-puff. Waiting for the person to gather their things. Waiting for the person to stand up. And then acting haughty and saying, “Ugh, never mind.” The shaming of the three-seat stander is truly fun and an experience all should have before life expiration.

8) CDs That Don’t Turn Out to Be Any Good – Dear Sleigh Bells, I don’t get to buy many CDs anymore. When I make a purchase, it needs to be something I like. Or it needs to be something that sucks so bad I get a few priceless Chinese Democracy-esque hours of laughter. It is absolutely not allowed to be boring. If I would rather tweeze my eyebrows bald rather than listen to your album a second time through, than in my opinion, you have failed me. Sleigh Bells, you have failed me.

9) That I Was Not Born a 6’8” Woman – Good: I have to imagine there is literally no way possible that you could be born a 6’8” female, like Brittney Griner, and then NOT make the WNBA, fulfilling your dreams of becoming a professional basketball player in the process. Bad: WNBA basketball players most likely make less than the guy who will eventually dig your cemetery resting place. And if they don’t, they certainly deserve to.

10) The Walking to the Same Train With a Co-Worker Dilemma – Picture it: You are walking to the train station with someone you work with. And you take the same train! What to do? Do you choose to sit with this person? You could! But if you do this, just realize that they probably don’t want to talk to you after a long day’s work. You are the person they are forced to deal with to put food on the table, not the person they want to chat with once the working day has concluded. So obviously the choice is that you should bid them adieu and find another place to sit. Well…maybe. Just realize that the next day this person will portray you as “odd,” or “aloof, or “borderline psychotic.” The fact is they don’t want to sit with you, but that doesn’t mean they won’t take your behavior as proof that you don’t like them or simply as an opportunity to skewer you with the friends at lunchtime. Still, when you think about all the effort it takes to engage in small talk with people you don’t care about, the "getting nailed for your anti-social lifestyle" bit is probably the better decision. Unless the person you are going to have to sit with is an attractive woman and you are married. In this case, sit away. A knee-knock caused by a train that has not had its shocks adjusted in years is probably the most erotic contact you are going to have with a strange woman for the rest of your life.

The Pizza Project
Just a nibble:
Single slice:
The full pie:

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