Tuesday, November 22, 2011

A Horribly Written Run-On Paragraph about Audubon's Everything Bagel

You know, I want to blog tonight, but I also want to maybe catch the episode of Boardwalk Empire that I am behind on so I am going to try and keep it as quick and dirty as possible with what I am going to say about Audubon bagel shop Everything Bagel.

Ate there the other day. I went a bunch of times before we started this blog because we had gotten sick of constantly going to our usual weekend breakfast haunt, Einstein Bagels. The thing with Einstein is that their "schmears" are really good, but their eggs are really fake and huge and every once in a while you just feel like you want a real egg. But I digress: Back to Everything Bagel. When we had gone there previously, I tried really hard to like it. However, after giving it a bunch of tries, I couldn't really shake the suspicion that they weren't giving you enough egg or bacon for the width of the bagel. It's like you have this really large bagel and then this sliver of egg that it was hard to believe was even one egg. It was like half an egg. Maybe 5/8? When you factor in that the bagel was often way too crunchy for an ideal piece of bread, it just didn't seem like it was a good deal. So we stopped going there and went to Panera for a while, but then we decided that their sandwiches were really bland and they didn't have much of a selection, and then we started going to Chick-Fil-A because they were giving the breakfast away for free if you came in wearing your pajamas, and then we went to McDonald's a couple times before we realized that we didn't want to have simultaneous coronaries, and then we ended up going back to Einstein because even though their eggs are really fake and it is usually pretty dirty in there and the service is spotty to be kind - there is one dizzy old broad who hasn't got my sandwich right the entire time I have been going; that's like five years - the schmears are like SO F*CKING GOOD!!! Anyway, back to the beginning of this disorganized diatribe. Everything Bagel. Went there the other day. Had a coupon and wanted to see if it wasn't as bad as I remembered. Found out that I had a really good memory (seriously, I am the SHEET in Quizzo for realz). The sandwich was mediocre. The bagel was huge and crunchy. It seemed like you got even less egg then I recalled. 3/8 of a huevo, maybe! They even seemed to skimp on the ketchup and hot sauce that I requested (then again, maybe the taste simply got enveloped by the INCREDIBLY LARGE CRUNCHY bagel, which was about as large as a lady's ass if said lady had an ass the size of Rhode Island). And then the kicker: the service even seems to have gone downhill. I don't know if it is the same owner as before or what, but the dude was always working the register and he was always very friendly. Didn't see him when I went. In his place was a fairly robotic lady who handed over to two other folks who went about their egg-frying business in a detached fashion that left me off-put. Man, I don't need a breakfast joint to be like Disney World or anything, but the place seemed to have the atmosphere of a movie audience walking out of a Schindler's List/Sophie's Choice double bill, nahm'sayin'? In closing, I will not be returning to Everything Bagel. The bagels are large and crunchy. The egg distribution thrifty. And the atmosphere not conducive to forgiving the culinary wrongs. With this screed completed, I can now go see if Jimmy Darmody decides to blow anybody's head off this week.

Everything Bagel
2642 Egypt Road
Audubon, PA 19403

The Pizza Project
Just a nibble: http://twitter.com/ThePizzaProject
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The full pie: http://thepizzaproject.blogspot.com/

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