Ten Things I'm Hating...RIGHT NOW!!!

1) FX’s OnDemand Policy – I missed Justified last Tuesday. “No problem! I’ll catch it on Thursday!” Wrong! For some inexplicable reason, the channel did not make the show available for OnDemand viewing for five days after the original airing. What good reason could there possibly be for making sure that people CAN’T see your programming?

2) My iPod Headphones – Steve Jobs did some wonderful things during his life. He redefined the way we can listen to and store our music. He was the genius behind Pixar, which contributed such great films as Up, Toy Story, and the ones with Larry the Cable Guy. He made black mock turtlenecks and acid-washed jeans cool (no he didn’t; he basically dressed like a douchenozzle 24/7). But if there is one thing he did that was really awesome, it was that he had his people design the perfect headphones. The ear bud is a model of perfection. Lately, I have bought two brands of headphones from different companies and let me say that the Sony variety emerges from the ears with the slightest of winds (the other one I have already forgotten after I realized that I was only getting audio out of one channel after five days of use). Next time I head to the store, I will be coughing up the bucks for a decent set. And no, I am not talking about the Dr. Dre ones that look like you are trying to land airplanes.

A Pessimist in Paradise: Ten Things I Hated about My Trip to Aruba

1. People Causing Suspicion in the Airport - On the morning of our flight to Charlotte (we had a connector to Aruba), there was a dude in the waiting area. Guy is rocking a blanket on his head, wearing odd-looking wristbands on his arms, reading a "religious" looking document, all while moving his head forward and backward in the manner of a crazed lunatic. He looked like a mutha-flippin' ancient Mayan witch doctor or something. I was literally five seconds away from either having the guy arrested by Homeland Security or canceling the trip due to premonitions of fiery death. The wife later told me that she believed that we were taking our trip on a Jewish high-holiday. But really, I don't care. We are ten years removed from 9/11 and there has yet to be a major terrorist reoccurence on American soil. That's awesome. That doesn't mean we should all feel free to get our head-covered solitary mosh pit on in the waiting area before take-off in a fully fueled 747. I should respect your religion, but you might want to respect my paranoia. I won't bust your chops if you can simply get your chant on in your bedroom before leaving for Philly International. Too much to ask? Don't think so.

Ten Things I’m Hating…RIGHT NOW!!!

1) Poor Bathroom Manners – I have touched on this before, but humor me for a minute for a story that will make your skin crawl: Today, I entered the hopper for an intimate moment. Only I was not able to sit down immediately for the person before me had pissed all over the seat. This is not really cool, but I have dealt with it before! I could just rip off a piece of paper, give the seat a wipe down, and pray that I do not catch any communicable diseases. It’s all good. One problem: the piss had dried!!! It had morphed into a sort of yellowish crusty layer of filth. I had to step back out of the stall, wet down a piece of paper, scrub down the urine crust with an unusual amount of elbow grease, and grab a dry paper towel to wipe down the moisture still residing on the seat. That is a lot of effort to have to go through due to another man’s lack of aim. The thing is I don’t have a problem with standing up in a stall to take a pee. It is, in fact, my preferred method of urine evacuation. However, if you are going to do it, lift the seat first, and if you should manage to get some residual fluids on the bowl, have the courtesy to wipe that sh*t off. Who knows? The next man might have diarrhea.

Ten Things I'm Hating...RIGHT NOW!!!

1) The Greenpeace-type Organization's People Standing Outside My Bank's ATM - I go to the bank the other day and there are these moochers in green shirts trying to get people to sign up to save the whales or protect the seals or whatever their purpose was. This clearly isn't right. If someone is going to stop me on the street and beg me for money, I should be able to tell them I have none. I can't do this if these people are standing in front of a bank ATM. Getting money being the only reason I would be at such an establishment. This is a violation of a treasured social contract. You can beg for my money. And I can lie to you about having no money. I have to have that excuse in my back pocket, otherwise the whole process is off.

Ten Things I'm Hating...RIGHT NOW!!!

1) That guy on the train who flops into the seat like a 300 pounder - Seriously, you couldn't ease your behind onto the leather without making me hop three inches out of my seat? Chill the F out. It's not a trampoline!

2) The lady who gave me the look when I jumped in front of her at the Corner Bakery today - Sorry, lady. They asked for the "next ready guest." Staring at the menu board for ten minutes with your mouth wide open does not exactly communicate the idea of readiness. They have salad, soup, and sandwiches. Pick one and get it over with.

3) People who talk when they are in the bathroom - I don't even like when someone talks to me while I am urinating, but the other day I walked into a bathroom to see two dudes chatting each other up...and one of them was in a stall with his pants around his ankles. Engaging in conversation mid-evacuation is so wrong I'm not sure I could do the reasons justice.

A Slightly Aimless Rant About...the Lady Who Tried to Ruin My Father's Day

People often ask me, "Saucy, why is it that you hate people so much?" I sometimes wonder myself. Then I go to a Father's Day brunch at Chadwick's and some lady tries to get all up in my zone and ruin it for me, and I no longer have any reservations regarding my disdain for the human race.

Here's the scenario: On Sunday, we took my father-in-law out for what, in theory, was a tribute to the great job he has done as patron to his children. He certainly deserves it!