One day, I was rooting around the refrigerator looking for something to eat at work that day. As happens from time to time, the wife had told me we were broke and I was not allowed to spend money on my usual exorbitant lunch. So I needed something to stick in my mouth around noon to ensure that my work day was not as long and painful as it usually is even when my hunger is fully satiated. Peering into the freezer, I saw this item from Lean Cuisine.
I threw it back in without even thinking about the possibility that I might be forced to consume the thing.
However, when further inspection brought me to the sad realization that there was nothing else to choose from - no leftover pizza, no three-day-old Chinese, no broccoli and mayonaisse sandwiches - I reluctantly tossed the box in my chic leather work attache and headed for the train station.
Fast-forward to lunch. After zapping the pie in the micro for two minutes or so, I set about to devour it. Since it is a decent-sized circle and I didn't want to take the time to cut it in fours, I grabbed a knife and fork and figured I'd cut it up.
The first warning sign I should have gotten out of this is that there was no smell whatsoever. Usually, when something is going to be good, it fires off a smell that makes people ask what you are having for lunch. After cooking, this thing had about as interesting an aroma as a lettuce leaf. When I went to cut it for consumption, it was like a rock. As I gnawed on the thing with my plastic knife for a seeming eternity, I felt like I might need a chainsaw to get the pizza to a place where I could take a manageable bite. When I finally got a piece onto the fork and inserted it into my mouth, the disappointment was palpable.
I can't really say that it tasted like much of anything. The barbecue sauce registered slightly and the chicken was basically nonexistent. The crust, of course, tasted like a flavorless piece of cardboard. I think there were onions on it as well, but I really can't tell you: before I could get a feel for the entire dish, it was sitting in my trash can. I tossed it after four bites since the taste of the pie wasn't worth the effort I was expending in cutting it. Dreadful crap.
I guess Lean Cuisine stuff is supposed to suck. After all, it is made for sadists who are too enveloped by the shape of their physiques to bring themselves to eat a real meal. However, even for something that purposely seeks to not be that great, this Lean Cuisine pie achieved an almost unprecedented level of "Ewwww!"
The Pizza Project
Just a nibble: http://twitter.com/ThePizzaProject
Single slice: http://www.facebook.com/ThePizzaProject
The full pie: http://thepizzaproject.blogspot.com/