Saucy Has a Confession!!!

Candid admissions from a secretive man.

1) I am seriously in love with that Katy Perry "Friday Night" song.When this song comes on, I literally cannot stop myself from dancing and singing like a 12-year-old girl. And I don't like it in an ironic way, like, "Wow, look at that 35-year-old dude with the beer gut freaking out to a silly pop song!" No, man! I actually think it is just really tremendous pop music. The guitar rhythm is completely infectious. The chorus is absolutely massive! The synth that emerges during the chorus feels sort of dangerous and dark. I mean, I like this song in both a very basic and highly intellectualized way. Even the video is awesome, what with its almost Web-redemptiony treatment of frequent punching bags Rebecca Black, Kenny G, Debbie Gibson, and Corey Feldman. It's very gallant of Ms. Perry in my opinion. She also looks very nice in the neon lycra.

2) I actually would seriously consider buying the whole album if it wasn't more than a year old.Because I actually like all of the singles. "Teenage Dream." "California Gurls." To a lesser extent, "Firework." Look man, this isn't easy for me to admit. I once broke up with a girl because she didn't like Kid A. The first CD I ever purchased was Philip Glass's soundtrack for the film Kundun. My Mount Rushmore of female musical artists would be Bjork, PJ Harvey, Billie Holiday, and Stevie Nicks. But what can I say? I'm feeling this shizz.

3) My favorite beer was once Coors Light.
Of course, at that time, I was usually so messed up on Goldschlager that it didn't matter if I was drinking koala piss.

4) My favorite pizza was once Domino's.
It was uncomplicated, full of sauce, and small enough that I could knock back a whole pie in one sitting. Along with a full six-pack of Coke. Yes, my teeth are a horror show.

5) My favorite Italian restaurant was once The Olive Garden.I must have been hypnotized.

6) I am tired of hearing about the Phillies' incredible traveling fan base.Do you really think these people are flying out to Houston to catch a Phillies game? No, they are the usual bandwagon jumping idiots who start cheering for any team that ends up having an extended period of success. Basically, they are scum and I really wish we would stop glorifying them.

7) I sometimes buy movies for reasons other than, you know, liking them.A couple recent examples:

a) Michelangelo Antonioni's L'Avventura - I had just seen a lot of lists where critics thought the movie was really terrific. I actually thought it sucked.

b) Charlie Chaplin's Modern Times - I just figured I should own some Charlie Chaplin movies. Better to pretend that I am a superior, hoidy-toidy fan of the silent pictures.

c) George Stevens' Giant - The only good thing about this flick is the James Dean performance. It's a shame the movie is four hours long and Dean is in it for 30 minutes. Anyway, I feel like I did the right thing. Dean's full catalog must be owned by any serious cinephile.

d) Federico Fellini's Juliet of the Spirits - Fellini. Sandra Milo's torso. Insane Technicolor photography. The editor seemingly on acid 24/7. If I was going to be a proper film snob, I needed to have this.

e) Jean-Luc Godard's Contempt - Just say the words, "I just bought a film by Jean-Luc Godard for $35," and you seem more intelligent. The fact that Brigitte Bardot has an incredibly gratuitous nude scene in the middle of the film was gravy.

8) I am married, but I often hope for attractive women to sit next to me on the train ride to and from work.I'm sorry, but given the choice of a comely female with nice perfume and a troll who smells like an everything bagel, I am taking the hottie every time.

9) I have farted on the dancefloor.Sometimes when you are getting freaky, it just happens. When detected, my tendency is usually to blame the largest person in my vicinity.

10) I pray every night.Unfortunately, it is usually for a season-ending injury for Michael Vick. But since I am a pious man, I don't hope for anything permanently debilitating. No, a torn knee ligament or severed left arm would do just fine.