Random Thoughts about the 2011 Oscars

Usually, if I were to write about the Oscars, it wouldn't be in the form of a wrap-up. Instead, I would write something predicting all the winners. When I was proven to be correct, I would return the next day to gloat over my superiority in the area of trivial knowledge. If I were proven to be wrong, I would never mention the predictions again, promptly pretending that they never existed (I would probably remove the post for good measure because I am very insecure). Alas, I can not publish these sorts of predictions anymore. You see, we have a party for the Oscars every year, and this party includes a ballot contest wherein the person who gets the most correct wins a wonderful prize. Since my friends now know about this blog, if I were to print my thoughts, dishonest scalawags could invade the blog for clues and the contest would therefore be compromised (plus, you would have a lot of people dumb enough to vote for the True Grit Girl over the shoe-in of the year, Melissa Leo). This, by the way, is the circuitous route to saying that a commenter (WE HAD A COMMENTER!!! PLEASE KEEP READING AND COMMENTING!!! AND INVITE FRIENDS!!!) asked us what our thoughts were on the Oscars. Well...here they are in a completely random yet incredibly voluminous manner.

1) It is nice that a lot of people have seen fit to get in Kirk Douglas's corner. They say that he was charming. They say that he was witty. They say that he was a good sport. But let's be honest: Dude had no business being on that stage. His appearance was trainwreck television of the highest order. It couldn't get more uncomfortable if you asked Mel Gibson to cut the ribbon at the groundbreaking for a new Holocaust museum. By saying this, I in no way disparage Douglas, who suffered a debilitating stroke and is 94 years old for God's sake. But the douchebag producers who put him in that position probably should have been tarred and feathered in the middle of Sunset Boulevard.

2) What was the story with the matching tuxedos sported by Javier Bardem and Josh Brolin? Evidently, Robert DeNiro was right at the Golden Globes. Bardem was not only deported along with the waiters from that event. He even managed to finagle a couple of the outfits they were decked out in that night while serving the champagne and caviar.

3) I really love the film Gone With the Wind. This being said, I have no idea why they had a whole schpiel about it to start the show. That shit made no sense whatsoever. Something about the art direction or cinematography or whatever? No clue what Tom Hanks was on about.

4) I was actually shocked to see the Academy had the stones to give Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross the Oscar for their score for The Social Network. Along with Hans Zimmer's Inception score, it was clearly the best of the year. Still, I figured they would biltch out and give the Golden Boy to Alexander Desplat (?; no time to check his name spelling) for his work on The King's Speech as part as some sort of Stuttering Monarch movie steamroll. Luckily, they didn't! But...

5) They were crazy enough to give David Fincher's Best Director Oscar to Tom Hooper. First of all, Fincher should already have one of these for Fight Club, a film that stands out twelve years after its release as the crown jewel of an incredible year in film (also from 1999: American Beauty, The Insider, Three Kings, Being John Malkovich, the list goes on). Second, he turned a film about a bunch of people arguing about a system that would ruin our ability to communicate for generations to come into a visual and technical marvel. The acting was great. The tension never failed to mount. It was paced brilliantly. It was the best movie of the year and the direction was probably the best part. Oh well. Maybe this contemporary giant will win for his next great movie.

6) A lot has been said about the hosts. Therefore, all I will say is Franco was horrible and, worse, didn't even seem like he wanted to be there. I've never cared for Anne Hathaway and she did seem like she was trying too hard. But, jeez, can you blame her? At least she gave an arse.

7) So the producers decided to have Celine Dion sing a song over the In Memoriam section so as to eliminate the whole "Let's go crazy for the most famous person on the list while totally ignoring the key grip who died by falling off his ladder while fixing a light" syndrome. Good idea! Gets rid of the whole "Dead Guy Applaus-o-Meter" feel. Of course, they then blew it by singling out Lena Horne. I'm sorry, but Tony Curtis contributed more to cinema than Lena Horne could have ever dreamed. But, then again, if they had not done this, someone may have pointed out that the roster of acting nominees this year was whiter than a Klan rally in the middle of a New England winter.

8) Christian Bale! Dude, I so wanted you to win. I haven't even seen your movie yet, but you have been so great in flicks like American Psycho, The Prestige, and Shaft (uh...what?) that I was totally pulling for you. Still, to dap a guy's web site in your acceptance speech? Totally uncool. Is there any dignity left in Hollywood?

9) Evidently not. In the space of a few months, Melissa Leo has gone from a little-known yet well-respected jobbing actor to a shameless self-promoter to a borderline disgusting phony. Her speech was the absolute essence of crass, from the scripted, extended inability to get out of her seat to the unwarranted F-bomb to the feigned shock when she was forecasted to win for months to the closing cry regarding how the Oscars are all about putting butts in the seats or something. Even if that is true, you have 60 seconds to talk and that is what you have to say? Really, they should have just given it to True Grit Girl. They might have gotten a more mature and coherent speech.

10) Why the f*%k did I vote for Exit Through the Gift Shop? So freaking stupid. The thing is most likely not a real documentary, the Academy was probably scared that Banksy would douse Hathaway with pig's blood or something, and Inside Job is about the financial crisis, a topic that allows the rich bastards a chance to pretend that they care about something other than figuring out the next sequel or remake to greenlight. It was a sure winner! And I blew it! Other than Leo and all the other ones, this was my worst selection!

11) I hate the Original Song category as much as the next person, but why make these folks cut their songs short if you are going to allow Hathaway to sing a five-minute song whose only purpose is busting Hugh Jackman's balls? This is an actor, after all, that no one cares about unless he is playing a cartoon character with steel murder instruments protruding from his hairy knuckles.

12) Downstairs in my movie lair, I have the Best Foreigh Language Film nominee Dogtooth waiting to be viewed. Then I am watching the Oscars and, as part of their movie clip, they show one of these wacked isolationist kids preparing to hack the head off of a cat with a set of hedge clippers. I am not a prude. I like to watch the slo-mo bullet blasts in The Wild Bunch in slo-mo! And I don't really even like cats very much. But that shit is going back unviewed. Seeing a kitty's dome getting hacked off via two rusty blades isn't my idea of a fun weekend.

13) Have to throw out some dap to the spread the wife put together for the Oscar jam: Items included the best chili I ever tasted, some delicious barbecue beef puffs, and a nacho bar complete with a guacamole that reduced grown human beings to starving, unmannered Irish peasants just off the boat from the homeland.

14) Still wondering: Why did the producers see fit to throw more laurels at the long-dead Bob Hope, who hosted the event like twenty times and received an Honorary Oscar seemingly every time he graced the stage with his crusty jokes and stale banter? I would say he was lauded enough.

15) Colin Firth: I actually haven't seen The King's Speech yet. I will as soon as it comes out on Netflix. This being said, I am cool with him getting his Oscar. He probably should have gotten it last year for A Single Man anyway. Then again, I wouldn't have given it to him over Jeff Bridges last year. Because Bridges was getting his Oscar for The Big Lebowski! His performance in Crazy Heart was kind of a rip-off of Robert Duvall's in Tender Mercies. Duvall, by the way, got ripped off this year for his performance in Get Low because Julia Roberts has a crush on Javier Bardem! Ahhh, the circle of starf*cking!

16) What was up with those kids that ran on at the end of the performance? And what did they sing? I muted the shit out of that nonsense.

17) I don't watch that red carpet malarkey that comes on before the actual show. There are limits to my vapidity. But I did get a bit of a conversation that was going on out of my left ear while I was greeting guests, and I swear that some yenta in a frilly frock asked Reese Witherspoon, "How long did you have to think before deciding to wear [insert ridiculously expensive designer here]?" In a recession, no less? That is utterly asinine.

18) Why is it always the Best Documentary winner that has to intrude upon the glamorous evening with the political poppycock? If these guys keep it up, they will have to be excised from the show like the idiots who win the Honorary Awards! Who ever heard of schmucks like Eli Wallach, Jean-Luc Godard, and Francis Ford Coppola anyway?

19) In the wake of its Oscar victories, the makers of The King's Speech and Inception are ripe with ideas to whore the shit out of their accomplishments and squeeze even more money out of gullible Americans than could have ever seemed possible. Yes, Inception is going to be released in a 3-D version without the cooperation of the film's director or cinematographer and Harvey Weinstein is going to sheer three F-bombs from The King's Speech to ensure a PG-13 version for its release. In related Hollywood whoredom and lack of originality news, a sequel to Top Gun is in the offing. Sad.

20) This will win Best Picture next year!