The Homicidal Musings of a Phillies Fan Scorned

"Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears;
I come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."

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The above is a tremendous line from Julius Caesar, a wonderful play by an exceptional playwright named William Shakespeare. Earlier this month, it was cribbed by Phillies pitcher Roy Halladay to describe his feelings toward his opponent in the National League Division Series, the St. Louis Cardinals. Now, exactly one week after the start of a series that the Philadelphia Phillies were universally expected to win, it turns out that the only thing the team buried was the hopes of the city's fan base for another World Series parade.

So now, as I reflect back on the team's season, the line begins to take on another meaning. Yes, the team had a terrific regular season. They set a franchise record for wins in a season with 102. Charlie Manuel passed Gene Mauch to become the winningest manager in team history. The four aces - Halladay, Cliff Lee, Cole Hamels, and Vance Worley - treated the fans to near-nightly feats of wonder on the mound. But let's make this clear: pulling an epic choke job in the first round of the National League playoffs makes all of that sh*t absolutely moot. Over the last week the Phillies resembled not a team of highly trained professional baseball assassins, but rather a motley crew of nerve-stricken chokers, baseball-IQ-averse mental midgets, and, in one particular shortstop's case, scapegoat-seeking whiners. So yes, if the Phillies, with their incredible pitching staff, their lofty payroll, and their five straight division championships are Caesar, then I am not here to praise them. I am here to bury them. And through their lousy play this October, they have provided me with a rather large shovel.

Raul Ibanez
Congrats, bro! You hit one to the warning track last night! YIPPEE! Despite the fact that you looked near tears in your locker room interview last night, I pray to God that I have seen the last instance of your sputtering your wheels after a weak groundball to second base. John Mayberry Jr. should have taken your spot for good months ago and I'm sure beginning next year left field will become his permanent assignment.

Chase Utley
Sorry, Mr. Teflon, but the gloves need to come off for you! You potentially cost the Phillies multiple runs this series with your idiotic risk-taking baserunning. The media and fans will probably just sell your antics as two more examples of your inimitable hustle, but what you pulled out there this week was just plain stupid. Trying to go from first to third on a groundout to the shortstop with no outs and your team down one run? That is something that could only be topped if you decided to run on the best arm in baseball with a 1-0 deficit while hobbled with an arthritic knee that kept you out of the lineup for a decent amount of the season. So of course you did that as well. Thanks, Genius, for flushing the whole f*cking season.

Placido Polanco
Sir, I wish you luck on your upcoming hernia surgery. And after the way you played this series, I also wish you luck on a hopeful retirement. Your sorry azz needs to come off the payroll.

Carlos Ruiz
Senorita Octubre.

Cliff Lee
A series of questions: Did I whine about the Phillies trading Cliff Lee the whole time that he was gone? Yes. Was I incredibly happy when they decided to bring him back last offseason? Yes. Was he stunningly brilliant at times this year with multiple scoreless streaks of over 30 innings? Yes. Was he the main reason why the Phillies did not win this series? Yes. Hey, say what you want about the Phillies anemic hitting in the postseason (and there is plenty to say), but all this a$$munch needs to do is hold a 4-0 lead and we sweep the Cardinals. That team of scrappy yet uninspiring battlers would be going golfing instead of prepping to play the Brewers. Instead, this guy choked away a sizeable lead because he couldn't put away guys like Ryan Theriot. F*ck him!!!

The People Who Attended Game 2
Did you people really applaud the guy who blew Game 2 and the series for us as he was running off the field? Jesus! Time to stop riding the guy's pistachios!

Roy Oswalt
All year, we have been calling this guy "Little Roy," when in fact we should have been calling him "Little Cliff." Because like his true namesake, he too took an early lead given to him by his offense and blew it like a Kensington Avenue "lady of the night." Then, in the locker room, he blames the fact that he gave up a dinger to should-be minor leaguer David Freese on "poor pitch selection." In other words, it was Ruiz's fault. Whatever, dude. You should not have even been starting in this series. Go find a down-South road that needs clearing and stay there.

Jimmy Rollins
Although you choked hardcore in game 5, you actually played quite well in this series, James. Hopefully, it will get you a foolishly lengthy and pricey contract from a team on the West Coast. But here is a question: How did those Game 5 fans sound? Those people were loud and rowdy despite the fact that you guys were laying an enormous egg on the field. The bottom line is fans don't win games. Players who don't collapse under the pressure do. Also, extra kudos to you for ducking the media after the contest! What a professional. I guess they should just sign up for your Twitter if they want insightful updates about how sh*tty the fans are?

Hunter Pence
Maybe if we would have forced the Cardinals' hurlers to pitch in front of a batting practice screen, our late-season addition from the Houston Astros would have come up big in the clutch instead of hitting a seemingly endless string of off-balance bouncers to second base and shortstop. I don't care how many tweets you send thanking the fans for their support, .211 and useless in the three-hole doesn't cut it. But, hey, at least you'll always have the time-capsule ready memory of celebrating a division title in an overly animated fashion worthy of finding out that you just won the honor of a threesome with Scarlett Johannsen and Jessica Biel.

Ben Francisco
Congratulations! Who would have thought you would end up being the most accomplished hitter on the Phillies roster this series?

Roy Halladay
Nothing I can say about you...except that you gave up runs in the first inning of both games that you pitched. And in Game 2, that run, which was a result of consecutive extra-base hits to superstars Rafael Furcal and Skip Schumaker, put an already skittish offense on their heels. I'm just saying: Carpenter put up goose eggs. You WERE outpitched. But I'm nit-picking.

Charlie Manuel
Let's address your performance: Polanco should have been nowhere near the field. Cliff Lee should have never gone back on the field in the seventh inning of Game 2 with the game tied 4-4. Ryan Howard needed Hunter Pence batting fifth behind him, not the unpredictable performance of would-be flyweight slugger Shane Victorino. Meanwhile, you made absolutely no changes to your lineup in the whole of the series even though Polanco and Ruiz clearly had nothing and the lineup as you had it constituted was practically anemic. In other words, I truly hope you had to pay for your seat because that hands-off nonsense you just pulled was not managing; it was spectating.

Ryan Howard
So you thought you were getting away because you ruptured your Achilles tendon, huh? 'Fraid not. Is this what we pay you $25 million for? A strikeout more than once every three postseason at-bats? Harmless groundouts to the first baseman because you're positioning yourself so far off the plate leaves you hopelessly susceptible to the outside pitch? A look of fear in your eyes so evident during that last at-bat, you would have thought you were being chased through a Colorado hedgemaze by an ax-wielding Jack Torrance? Maniacal suckling of a mouthpiece on the bench like you were feeding at your mother's teet. Hey man, I hope your leg is OK. I also hope that while you are chilling on the sidelines you can think of a way to shoot one into left field every once in a while. Or maybe you can take one every once in a while on 3-0 when you are hitting about as effectively as an American League pitcher wacked out on roofies.

Shane Victorino
Eh. I have no more vitriol left. Just trade this jumpy a$$hole already.

So there you have it, 2011 Philadelphia Phillies. Thanks for the memories! And by that I of course mean the memory of your losing to an inferior team, who then proceeded to celebrate on our field as if they had just discovered a permanent cure for Tony LaRussa's erectile dysfunction.
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Five Reasons the Phillies Will Win Game Five (and Five Reasons They Won’t)

1. No way the Phillies lose a series clincher on their home field for the second year in a row! It’s just not happening! The fans will be exceptionally psyched for this one due to the temerity of Jimmy Rollins and the incredibly late starting time. A longer wait equals more beers, which equals drunken nutcases yelling at the top of their lungs. As long as you are not at the game with your five-year-old son, this is a good thing.

2. Roy Halladay is on the mound, and he is actually coming off of what was, for him, a bit of a ho-hum outing. There is no way in hell he gives up runs early, like he did in Game 1 of this series. I’m hoping Lance Berkman enjoyed the dinger he got to clock off of Doc in his first at-bat of the series. This time, he – and the rest of his Cardinals teammates – will get nothing, even if they don’t like it!

What the F!?!?: Phillies Playoff Edition

What the F...was Cliff Lee doing blowing a 4-0 lead against superstars like Ryan Theriot, John Jay, and Rafael Furcal? This is a little bit scary, but in Lee's last three postseason starts, his ERA is over 7.00. And by the way, it could have been much worse. If Placido Polanco did not make an incredible play at third base in the first inning, the Cardinals add another run to their total. Same holds for when Carlos Ruiz held on to the ball despite being utterly flattened by a cheap-shotting Jay on a play at the plate in the fourth.

What the F...was umpire Jerry Meals doing behind the plate in a playoff game? This is the same guy who called a Braves runner safe at home plate earlier in the season despite the fact that he was clearly out by ten feet in an extra-inning game against the Pirates. It's living proof that there is simply no accountability on the part of baseball for the walking disgraces that are calling the balls and strikes in some of these games. Exhibit B, Joe West, is working the Brewers-Diamondbacks series this October.

Ten Thoughts from Watching the Phillies Game Last Night

1. It doesn't matter if you are Roy Halladay: If you throw a meatball right down the middle of the plate in the playoffs, it is going to be deposited very, very, very deep in the seats.

2. This being said, if a player on the opposing squad is going to crank an epic three-run dinger, it is nice if a) said bomb takes place in the first inning and b) you have Roy Halladay on the mound for the rest of the game. Apart from the stray F-bomb, it was pretty clear that Halladay wasn't rattled at all.

3. What's the best way to put the memory of last year's bat-left-on-the-shoulder moment behind you? If you are Ryan Howard, putting a Kyle Lohse offering into the second deck might just do the trick.

4. Remember when we were wondering what happened to Chase Utley? Five at-bats, three hits, two doubles, three runs scored sound about right? Seriously, can you blame Chase Utley for not being able to get up for meaningless games against the Nationals? I think it is safe to say that the Beast is now unleashed for the postseason.

Thank You, Taj Gibson!!!

I don't like the Miami Heat. LeBron James is, of course, a self-aggrandizing whiner who had no chance to win a title on his own so he went out and rigged the league. Dwyane Wade is an arrogant, self-entitled fiend whose only title was handed to him by the league. He showed how truly classless he was by dunking in the last seconds of the Heat's first-round victory over Philadelphia after the Sixers had conceded. As for Chris Bosh, well, he is simply a glorified caddy. He couldn't lead his Toronto Raptor team anywhere near a playoff victory, so he moved to South Beach to shoot wide-open 15-footers and most likely do LeBron's whites whenever "The King" is feeling a bit lazy! These clowns actually had the temerity to cry and celebrate on the court after a playoff victory over the Boston Celtics IN THE CONFERENCE SEMIFINALS!!! So now the Heat are playing the Chicago Bulls in the conference finals and...it looks like the road just got a little tougher!