Aruba Edition: A Slightly Aimless Rant about...the Family Who Made Our Trip Home from Aruba a Living Hell

On the way back from Aruba, Saucy Jr. was an absolute terror. He never stopped jumping on us. He screamed at top volume about his desire for Animal Crackers or lollipops or toys or the potty. He constantly tried to kick the seat of the people in front of us. He slapped us in the face for daring to not allow him to do whatever the hell it was that he wanted to do at any particular moment in time. Overall, he was a horrific nuisance. But that was OK. Because he wasn't even the most annoying person (or group of people) in our general vicinity.

A Slightly Aimless Rant about...Several Things

Kids in My NeighborhoodLast week, I caught some little bastards throwing stones down the mushroom thingie that sits outside my house. You know, the thing that leads to the apparatus that shuttles the waste out of your house? Anywho, I went out there and chased the little MFers away and I thought that was the end of it. Apparently not. Last night, I flush the toilet and sewage water starts flowing into my basement like Niagara Falls. Had to have some dude come out to look at things and he tells me that, indeed, there were stones and mud in the line that toilet paper attached to, and the ensuing cocktail of disgustingness clogged up the line, causing the backup. So I have a bit of a quandary here. Do I have to go to the kids' houses and tell their parents so they can administer proper punishment? Well, the one kid's parents are crack fiends or something while the other's I don't happen to know. Plus, such a move would require me to have to talk to a neighbor, which is something I try to do as rarely as humanly possible. Should I call the cops on the little buggers next time I see them acting the fool? That seems a little extreme. So I guess I will have to handle this situation in the manner that I think is the most humane way possible. I'm simply going to have to kill the rotten sons of biltches.

Top Ten Thoughts I Had While Sitting in a Hair Cuttery Getting My Hair Cut

1) Jeez, I totally wish I would have remembered the picture of Jake Gyllenhaal I use to show people how I want my haircut. They're never going to be able to get it right without a picture of the dude from Brokeback Mountain to show them the way!

2) Maybe I should request someone? There are like five people in here who have cut my hair before. When you go to a hairdresser and then don't request them the next time, I wonder if they go in the back in cry or if they throw darts at your picture or maybe a picture of Jake Gyllenhaal for being so unfortunate to be your hair role model?

3) Nah, I'm just going to take the first person available (pause). Oh wait, this is the first person available? Man, I totally should have requested that other one. She's way more attrative. It would have made the whole uncomfortable "Wow, her breast is accidentally brushing against my shoulder as she trims my cowlick" moment a lot more enjoyable.

Props Out: Dude at the Phillies Game

Every once in a while, I like to hold a person up for scorn for the many ways they offend me without even knowing it. And, most likely, I will continue to do this.

Maybe even in my next post.

Still, a guy we were forced into cohabitating with in a social setting the other day did a very nice thing, so I am inventing a new post category in order to show him some love.

Hittin' Up Philly Beer Week: Memphis Taproom

Props out to Memphis Taproom, the hipsterish refuge in Fishtown, for putting together a Beer Week event that was perfect for that most underappreciated of beer enthusiasts: the one with kids. This past Saturday, we attended their ingenious Tot Lot festivities, a get-together that put their spectacular beer garden to great use.

Parents who wanted to take part in the Beer Week fun were invited to bring their kids to an event that featured a generous selection of canned beer (the better for tricking the kiddies into thinking it was just a normal old sodie pop), many different hot dog varieties from their lunch cart, and a host of activities for the kids, including assorted toys, healthy socialization, and a lively guitarist singing diddies and devising dance maneuvers for the youngins while their parents cheered them on.

A Slightly Aimless Rant about...Kids in Church

Look, man, I'm no incredible holy roller really. I don't really believe an intense religious belief is NECESSARY for one to be considered a moral human being. I don't memorize all of the little sayings that everyone recites togtether. I don't have any sort of intuitive understanding of what all the rituals mean (what's the head/lips/heart deal?), and I don't find it necessary to perform them. And many (all?) of my personal beliefs don't really line up with what is outlined by the Catholic Church figureheads. But I do go to church every Sunday. The wife wants to bring our little guy up in the Catholic tradition and generally just likes to go, and I certainly want to support her.